


A long time after

by Loki_Ming



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 04:14:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 35,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15941588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_Ming/pseuds/Loki_Ming
Summary: Bucky, Sam and Steve are best friends. Bucky and Steve since childhood, they met Sam in the army. After a terrible event, Bucky and Sam have retired to citizen life while Steve has become a SHIELD agent. Life separated Steve from his friends whom he’s not seen in over a year. But it wasn’t more fate than his own choice to leave out of guilt and misplaced feeling for Bucky, who’s resolved himself to remain unexplicably single despite his success with, let’s say, every woman on earth, to Sam’s despair. Sam and Bucky are now roommates and Sam has set his mind on solving the mystery around Bucky’s decidedly too chaste lifestyle. Bucky firmly intents on remaining closeted and avoiding being busted about his crush on a certain blond buff soldier. He had managed so far, despite Sam’s relentless persistance to break his facade. That is until one evening, Steve walks through the door of their café and back into Bucky’s life... (Clearly I don’t do well with summaries, these things are supposed to be short and make sense, my bad! Feel free to laugh at me, this fic came out of nowhere and isn’t beta’d, all mistakes are mine really)





	A long time after

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys this is my first Marvel fic and I have no clue what I am doing, bye (retreats in a corner)
> 
> Also and I’m so sorry about this, but I’m clearly lame at editing, so, there’s that... Any help is welcome!

Steve’s ears were now accustomed with the regular back and forth of gunshots and the sinister occasional thump of falling bodies around their truck.

Dust and sand were casting shadows on the early afternoon, and the soldier felt like days had gone by since their vehicle lost its way and his group realized they had been ambushed. 

So far, all of his comrades were still standing, but Steve couldn’t fight the gutting feeling clawing at his chest as he knew they were outnumbered. 

Exhaustion was the worst enemy in this type of fight. 

They had spent the night before proceeding to a reckon and exfiltration operation, before learning their main target had been spotted in the nearby city.

Orders had been cristal clear : they were to chase him down before he could escape their grasp again. 

They were the only team remaining in the area, which led them no choice, but to proceed right away without getting any rest beforehand. 

As the leader of their division, Steve felt responsible for each of his teammates, not to mention some of them were his best friends. 

Bucky had been a constant in his life and after university, didn’t think twice before getting enlisted like him. 

They got thrilled when they learned they’d be serving together. 

They had met Sam and Riley on the fields, and the four of them became inseparable. 

They thought their unity was a strength and it was, their bond inspired the whole team. And for the most of their mission, the sentiment of belonging had only helped each of them push their own limits of will, courage and resistance, in the face of all the horrors they witness daily. 

They thought together, nothing could break them down. 

They should have known better. 

As of now, Steve’s focus was drifting off from the enemy, his worry for Bucky and Sam, who were standing four feet from him and firing away, almost blinding him. 

His trained ears were deaf from the turmoil around him, and he tighten instinctively his hands around his gun, praying for the safety of his friends. 

He turned his head back just in time to see their pilot, Riley, who a second before was laughing at something Bucky had said, turning pale and freezing in his tracks as they all, despite the growing confusion, recognized far too well the eerie « click » sounding at his feet. 

Sam and Bucky had too, and Bucky reached to grab Sam by the shoulder, as his friend had immediately lunged forward to assist Riley. 

His hand gripped strongly on Sam, who was struggling to shake him off, and he asked the older soldier to cover for him, as he would go and take care of Riley. 

Sam was about to protest when Bucky reminded him « Hey, I’m the only one who know how to defuse these goddam things, so let me handle it ok? We’ll be back in no time ». 

He was facing Sam while speaking, determination set on his features. Sam swallowed difficultly and nodded shakily. 

« Don’t you die, you bastards. I’m not done fleecing you at poker » he joked, but the panic in his voice couldn’t be restrained. 

Bucky, ever so playful, chuckled and moved forward. He was soon crouching at Riley’s feet, whispering him comforting words Steve could only guess from his position. 

The scene before him was surreal, and for a brief moment it paralyzed him. 

Luckily his instinct took over, as he shot down the three enemies coming to them by their right. 

Bucky’s face was calm as he proceeded to analyze the grenade’s wiring.

Hope was growing in Steve’s chest, as he realized the rhythm of the shooting had slowed down, the sign that the fight was nearing its end. 

None of them were on the ground.

Maybe they’d get to go home all together tonight.

Steve’s eyes locked again on Bucky’s studying posture. 

He was incredible.

Kneeling down quietly, the way a passionate reader would in a library, completely absorbed by his work, not minding the chaos around him.

His attitude had even managed to set Riley calmer, his features relaxed as he watched his comrade working to save his life, at the expense of his own. 

Riley was in awe, the respect he had for Bucky in this moment hitting him, even harder than the violence they were trapped in.

Steve thought, not for the first time, that Bucky deserved to be the captain of their unit, in ways he would never.

Cutting him in the middle of his reverie, the brunette turned his head to him « Steve, I know what I’m doing but for fuck’s sake, get out of here, you punk! 

I can hear you thinking and it’s not helpful » he spatted abruptly, and it would have sounded hurtful if it wasn’t for the burning fondness in his eyes.

Bucky was telling Steve he was worried about him. 

Steve knew all too well that worry could endanger any mission.

His heart aching at the idea of abandoning him, he nodded, and walked back, his body cooperating against his will.

He set against the back of their truck, forcing himself to remain calm, as he resolved to cover for the three other members of their group.

Steve’s precise strikes were more than welcomed and in minutes, they were having the upper hand on the half dozen remaining assaillants.

A low whistle tore the darkening sky, and time seemed to slow down, as Steve turned around, to see Bucky’s mouth open and his eyes going wide, as Riley pushed him away from him, clearly yelling him to leave, his eyes shutting tight in anticipation of the blast.

But before said explosion occurred, Steve felt his guts ripped apart from him, as Bucky’s body got hit by an invisible force, and blood splashed around the two men, their screams swallowed in a torrent of lights and dust.

Then everything turned dark. 

——————————

Nat woke up to the sound of Steve screaming the name of Bucky next to her. 

They had both fallen asleep on her couch before a late rediffusion of Friends. 

« It’s 4 am Steve, you should try to get some sleep instead of watching a screen. Not to be and old lady, cause that’s your job » Steve had rolled his eyes and snickered, « but you know this isn’t an heathy way to fall asleep », she had said softly, her eyes meeting Steve tired ones. 

He had dark circles around his piercing blue eyes. He was still handsome as ever, but the sight was painful. 

“All right mum, just one last episode”, he had mumbled, sleep already threatening to knock him out. He curled himself into a ball, his shoulders slumped and his eyes wide looking up at the redhead spy. 

Nat had nodded, sighing. “Fine. You know damn too well I can’t defeat you in puppy eyes mode”, she had drawled grumpily, ruffling the soldier’s golden hair. 

She wondered how her partner, a former captain, now secret agent, respected by even his elders and enemies, his very presence impressive, his physical strength only matched by his tactical skills, for he had a sharp and brilliant mind under that pretty face of his, could turn into an adorable five years old she couldn’t argue with. 

She felt herself drift away too, and let her head fall softly against Steve’s shoulder, her thoughts turning sluggish as his peaceful breathing rocked her into slumber. 

———————————-

Nat and Steve had met on a mission a year ago, and quickly grew to be close friends. 

Their colleagues had spent the first six months teasing them, spreading rumors about their not so secret relationship, and even taking bets about which one would be the first to bust their clumsy cover. 

But it never happened, and would never, since there was nothing to hide. Not what people expected, anyway. 

As time went by and they grew accustomed to one another, Steve decided one day, to entrust Nat with his darkest secret. He was bisexual. 

« Well, I don’t really know if that is the term but, I’m definitely... not straight », Steve had chuckled, before dropping his eyes to the floor, his long lashes battering nervously, as he had furrowed his brows and swallowed, turning very serious under the weight of his confession. 

He was rolling his beer nervously in his hands, his fingers damped with frozen water. Yet he felt suddenly hot, his face flushing as truth was pouring out of his mouth. 

He then felt lighter. 

He could weight every word he had heard himself say, in his own head, over the years, and feel them leave his body, as he was finally uttering them for someone.

As he was finally setting them free, and himself with it.

He knew he could, somehow, trust Nat with anything, she had shown him that, in many ways, by now. 

He had planned to tell her about this, for months now, but the reality of actually hearing himself saying the words, was shaking him. 

They had gone to the café near Steve’s childhood street, after their last mission, and had decided to enjoy the first night of their leave with a couple of beers, doing their best to relax and accept to be stuck with citizen life for a week before being called again. 

Nat hadn’t understood Steve’s insistance to go to that specific place, that was an hour away from their base, and had complained not unkindly all the way down to it. 

But Steve words were loud now, with years of kept secret, and shame, and guilt, and him sharing this with her must feel terrifying. 

She realized, maybe this place reminded him of home enough for him to feel comfortable and let down his barriers. 

He was baring his heart and soul, surely it made sense that the setting of such an important act weighted in the scale. 

« I’ve been with a couple of girls, nothing that serious, and then I just... gave up pretending. I got tired of trying to be normal”. 

He marked a pause to sip his drink. 

Silence was stretching between them, and Steve felt panic coming his way.

He tried to ignore it, and quickly met Nat’s quiet gaze.

She was listening carefully. 

He couldn’t tell if she was judging him, but he figured her not leaving his side, or even interrupting him, was a good sign.

Still, his anxiety prevented him from properly meeting her eyes any longer, so he decided to stare at her hands instead. 

He cleared his throat.

“Because that’s what it is, especially in the army. 

You have to be like everybody else.

Straight.

But I guess you can’t define yourself that way... when you’re in love with a guy, can you », he had sighed, before leveling his eyes with Nat’s once more, the blue light of his gaze wavering with doubt and fear.

She had reached her arm around him, half-hugging him shyly. 

« Thanks Steve, for telling me this ».

She had moved back and straightened her back, her eyes shining with a malicious spark as she smirked. 

« But now I want to know all about the guy who stole your heart.

Tell me something about him, anything.

« Even if it’s not much. I won’t force you.

But just, let me get to know him a little.

I’m curious.

The guy must be pretty special to have won Captain America’s heart, none than that, uh » she had joked, and it had help Steve calm down a bit, as he was laughing along with her.

Tell me what he’s like. What he is to you ».

Steve had gone strikingly red, his hands twitching absently, and Nat thought he might faint as she guessed his heart was racing in panic, but he had managed to give her his best smile. 

« I think I can do that ». He bit his lips, a giddy expression on his face as he tore his gaze away from Nat. 

If his eyes were far away again, this time it wasn’t out of self deprecation. 

They were set somewhere in Steve’s past, when life hadn’t shattered his heart with nightmares and fear and loss. 

It was obvious that this guy made him happy. Nat could tell by the innocent but glorious fire illuminating her friend’s face, the teenage look in Steve’s eyes, the red of his cheeks the endearing reminder of his vulnerability toward this special man. 

This guy she had never met, yet, but could only thank, for bringing so much joy to Steve, the feeling still clearly vivid in his heart, despite years of torment and hard choices brought by his military life. 

This other man that had managed to fill the soldier’s heart, with the unconscious and rebellious kind of hope only first love could inspire. 

The memories felt tangible, as he told her just a little bit more about this mysterious friend, who Steve had realized over the years wasn’t just a friend to him. 

Steve hadn’t manage to tell her much that night. 

He was so new to this.

To being... so open. So truthful.

Mostly, to himself.

It felt scary.

It felt amazing.

He even kept quiet his name that night, he wasn’t... prepared to recognize all of it.

All of what he had kept inside for as long as he could remember thinking.

But he had tried, to open up, to Nat, and he did.

And he could see Buck anyway, while he was talking, smiling, in hush tones, between quiet sips of his beer.

The broad shoulders, the defined and strong legs, the slim but muscled waist.

His apparent complex for ending up a bit shorter than Steve, despite all odds. His self consciousness, and modesty, when really he had nothing to be shy of.

His heartbreaking clumsiness even, now, now that he had a prosthetic arm, that felt too heavy and empty at the same time.

Steve thought Bucky wasn’t any less of a work of art, even like this, even as he thought himself imperfect.

He still was, in his own unique way.

He would always be, to Steve.

The long, wavy, almost black hair, that he didn’t want to cut and even though he joked about it, Steve didn’t want him to cut it either. 

It suited him.

Just like anything would.

Buck, and his dazzling smile, his eyes.

Oh, his eyes.

These eyes did things to Steve.

They dived in right to his core, at the darkest of the night.

They whispered to him, and appeared clear as day behind his shut eyelids.

Silvery blue.

Glinting in the night like metallic gems.

Cat-like, curious and huge pupils.

Bright, knowing eyes framed by long strands of his dark, dark hair, and crinkled when he smiled.

His eyes spoke a familiar and soundless language to him.

Nothing moved Steve more than the pull he felt under that stare.

When Bucky would look at him, the way he always did, with patience and fondness, Steve would feel safe, and at the edge of danger at the same time.

That gaze on its own, inspired to Steve the most hungry and crazy thoughts. 

And those red, full, plump lips, heart shaped.

An outrageous display of flesh, of life, of taste that were these two soft parts of him.

Half opened in a murmur.

Inviting.

Curved gracefully in the hint of a loopsided smile.

The very sight of it all made Steve searching for air and stop from moving.

It made him thirsty for the sound of Bucky, of his voice, of his silences, and his blood burned his skin with the need of his touch.

It kept him warm in places Steve didn’t know existed.

Steve had memorized his features better than he would his own hands, his own name.

He could forget it all, but Bucky.

He told Nat what he had never told another soul, that he was in love, and it hurt him to admit it, and he would never have thought he’d find someone he would confess this to.

But he was glad he did.

Oh, he was glad.

Nat had felt blessed that night, to have been, shyly but sincerely, invited in the secrecy of Steve’s huge but complicated heart, and their friendship had only grew stronger ever since this shared secret, that led the way to countless sleepovers, and a sincere care for the other’s happiness. 

Nat, like Steve, had remained single for a long time, partly because of their lifestyle not leaving them enough free time, and also because she hadn’t met someone who could accept the reality of it all. The constant absence and the unspoken terrible things they were led to do. 

She had actually had someone, a long time ago, but didn’t like to dwell on it.

She did her best to focus on the future instead, but even then, she knew finding balance between love and their line of work was a difficult and risky thing to do, and she had not met anyone in a while that felt worth the effort.

Despite the odds, they had both set their minds to help the other get a proper social and, eventually love life, and to accomplish that, nothing would get in their way. 

——————————————

Nat, never missing an opportunity to mock her friend’s sappy tastes, but truly worried about his sleep troubles, had agreed to let him choose the tv programs, if Steve agreed to talk to someone about his nightmares. 

It didn’t have to be her, it didn’t even have to be a professional, she wouldn’t force him to do that, she had said, she wasn’t the best to advise this, since she was herself incapable of trusting psychologists, but Steve had to accept to get some help at some point.

Nat had known him for a while now and had witnessed his nightmares, and this problem wasn’t going to magically disappear, that, unfortunately, she knew it too well.

She had lost her fiance, and almost herself in the process, before she decided to become an agent, in what felt like another life, she thought tiredly.

Clint was a spy like her, he had more experience than her in the fields, and seemed unbreakable. Except one night changed their lives as children were casualties of one of his missions.

The very nature of their jobs made it impossible for them to have precise discussion of their days, and they were okay with it, because they both knew and understood what had to be done and kept quiet by each other.

But all the rules they applied, in a quiet and tidy agreement, was shattered that night, when Clint got home, and cried in front of her for the first time.

They talked about it, for weeks, and he promised he would get help but never did, as he thought he didn’t deserve it.

Sleep left him, appetite soon after, and overall, guilt tore him apart.

Nat felt powerless as she witnessed the destruction of a vaillant heart and brilliant mind.

She saw Clint fall, hard and deep, in addictions, anything that could ease the pain and bring him some peace.

Until one day sleep found him back, and forever.

Nat didn’t want to fail anyone else the way she kept feeling she had failed him.

So no matter how undelicate it was of her to ask Steve to do such a thing, she was going to do it, because she couldn’t stand the idea of another bright light burning away.

Steve had grown uncomfortable at the mention of that, but had quickly hidden it, and, a kind smile on his tired face, had accepted. After all, it was the third day he was spending at Nat’s apartment and in this short amount of time, he had already woken her up screaming twice. 

——————

Nat’s ears were ringing from sleep deprivation, and it usually took all her energy not to get cranky in the early morning without coffee, but she managed to speak softly to Steve, as she proceeded to slowly shake him off of his dreadful sleep. 

Steve blinked hastily, looking utterly lost, until his eyes set on Nat’s and he relaxed under her touch. 

He blushed instantly, burrying his head in his large hands. “I’m so sorry” he groaned, embarrassed. 

Sweat was pearling on his forehand, and Nat could tell he was shaking. 

“Don’t be ridiculous Steve, nightmares happen. I’ve been in the army too, remember”, she soothed the back of his hands with her own. She let go of him after a while, and stood up. 

“Let’s get coffee first, okay? Then, you can tell me why you were screaming your lover’s name, even though that didn’t sound sexual at all, unfortunately”. 

She grabbed the coffee pot, and watched as her partner got up slowly from the couch, pain written on his face as he gripped the low of his back with a strained grimace. 

“That is, unless you forgot to tell me you were digging BDSM”, she scoffed, and that manage to bring a smile to Steve’s crimson face. 

“You’d be surprised, Natty” he smirked in a hope to gross her out, and grinned toothily when the spy scrunched her face comically. 

“Come on, you can’t even handle sleeping on a couch, you princess. I hardly imagine you being whipped at...or something”. The image was frankly disturbing, and she forced herself to focus on the task at hands. 

“Or something, uh?” Steve sit on a stool in front of her, two cups in his hands. “Are you uncomfortable, finally? I thought this day would never come”. 

“Shut up”, Nat blurted out, failing to repress a laugh as she caught sight of Steve taking a picture of her dumbfounded reaction to the topic. 

Steve put the device down, snickering, then his brows furrowed and he fell silent for a brief moment, his smile slowly fading away as his thoughts caught up on him. 

He unconsciously let go of a long sigh as he shook his head, his bright eyes wandering to a distance before falling back on his friend.

The readhead had felt her friend’s twist of heart and was staring patiently at Steve, her arms crossing on her chest as she waited for him to speak.

She wished she could find a way to make them both avoid this conversation, but reminded herself that it was a hard moment to went through but, in the end, it was for Steve’s sake.

Steve seemed to have come to the same conclusion, as he nodded to her, and she felt herself do the same, a silent agreement that happened too often in their lives.

Nat, about last night...” he swallowed. “I want to talk to you about it, but I’m not sure you want to hear such grim things so early in the morning”.

Nat turned the fire on, and placed the coffee pot on it, before sitting in front of Steve, taking his hand. “I’m here for you, any time of the day. So spill. I’m not going anywhere”. 

By the time Steve finished his explanation of his worst memory, he was crying. Nat had come to wrap her arms around his huge body. “I’m so sorry Steve. You must have thought they were all dead... I can’t imagine going through so much pain”, she whispered. 

Steve’s eyes were still wet, but he sounded quiet when he spoke. “It was the worst time of my life. Riley died. Sam was only lightly physically hurt, but he couldn’t go back to the field. 

Riley was his partner, and before that, he was... his best friend ».

Sam had never imagined Riley to be out of the picture. He didn’t even want to think about something so absurd as to outlive him. 

And he didn’t have too. After all, like they used to say, they didn’t have to fear anything. They had each other. And anyway, they were too goddam young.

Sam was a bit older than Riley. They met at the orphanage. 

Sam was eigth years old, and didn’t let anyone approach him, or feel the need to care for anyone.

Despite his young age, he was one of the oldest here, and was persuaded that no one would adopt him.

Anyway, he was damn fine with this, because he was good on his own.

He had been, so far, and didn’t even want things to change.

He was put there at five, after his parents died in a criminal fire of the building they live on, that initially targeted a neighbor.

Sam was okay with it too now, he was just used to bad luck.

Despite his tough appearance, in the dead silent of the night, he sometimes cried for a friend, but no one had to know about that. And even if they did, he hadn’t found anyone interesting enough or, more so, staying long enough.

They were all younger than him and always ending up getting parents. That was so damn annoying, it made his skin crawl. He was eager to just grow up, and get out of this place.

He met his rival, in the person of the most annoying and stubborn five years old he had seen since his own arrival.

A Mexican dwarf named Riley. This little guy was actually cute, and for sure, he wouldn’t stick around, so why bother, were Sam’s first thoughts of him.

Riley was a good kid, who had immediately appreciated Sam’s wit and harsh words, his bad temper and agressivity.

Sam really thought something wrong was in that kid’s head, for actually liking in him, the reasons why he was to remain alone.

When potential parents came to visit and he saw that Riley was making a point of being properly despicable, he first didn’t understand his reasons. He didn’t even question it, because, why would he care.

Time passed, and the dwarf remained like him, parentless.

And apparently not caring in the world to be doomed to grow up in a faceless and gloomy, old and tired house, surrounded by old, tired, and even creepy employees, eating the same food, and playing the same games, with only the playmates being renewed once in a while.

Sam witnessed this weird and dramatic change of behavior during grown ups visits, and couldn’t help but wonder if an orphanage was the good place to take care of him. The kid needed psychological help, he thought to himself, worry silenty building in his chest.

Until he realized.

Why would Riley try to make a point anyway. He didn’t have any reason to avoid having parents.

Hell, he didn’t have any reason to want to stay in that shit hole. Unless...

But it didn’t make any sense. It made even less sense, that he’d want to stay, for someone like him.

But he did. He wanted to stay there so he could be with Sam again, and even play with him at some point, if he wanted to, he told him.

And no, of course not, Sam didn’t get teary eyes from that statement, it was just allergy he got from this dusty place falling to crumble, what else could it be.

Ever since he realized this crazy and stupid little guy’s maneuver, he accepted he was, actually, growing fond of him too.

What was not to like about him, really. To be able to turn Sam into a caring person, required, at least, magical powers.

To this day, Sam still wondered how he could have been lucky like that.

To be spotted and chosen, by someone and hell, someone kind.

And he felt silly, and sick even, for all the time he lost pretending he didn’t want to play with Riley, when really he was just afraid to let him in, only for him to abandon Sam the second he got adopted.

But Riley intended to stay.

Sam grew a heart that day, but his actions were always meant for Riley’s well being, and no other’s.

Riley had always been there for him.

And through all these years, he had always been fine. There was no reason for it to change.

Despite being afraid of enlisting, Riley was happy he did, as it allowed him to be useful, something he longed for, and it also allowed him to spend more time with his childhood friend.

Which was a hell of a bonus.

He hadn’t thought this through too much, as he knew if he did, he wouldn’t have the courage to do it.

But he had to. He had to be there for Sam, because that’s what their life was about.

Being there for each other.

They were best friends, and hell would freeze before one gave up on the other.

No matter how scary war was. Wherever Sam would go, Riley would follow.

The kind of friendship they had, was the kind that lasted a lifetime.

Riley’s disappearance felt like a severed limb.

The numbing sensation of his presence tortured Sam for months after he was gone, to the point where he got afraid of falling asleep, as he knew he’d dream Riley would be there.

He was, even more, afraid of waking up only to know it wasn’t real.

He had told Steve, and Bucky, about it.

A long time after.

At the time, things were too confusing, and too unreal, to be talked about.

Sam didn’t want to put words on his pain.

He didn’t want these facts to be given a sense of reality by talking about it.

Still, complete denial was his biggest fear, and he somehow was grateful to never have lost clarity about what had happened.

Steve, and Bucky, too - Barnes was fucking unbelievable, as always, and kept saying all he got was physical injury and really, he was alive and well, he wasn’t grieving the way poor Sam was, so it’s all good Stevie, don’t worry - both did their best to be there for Sam.

Steve grew wary and uncomfortable during this period, as he was the luckiest of them all.

He wasn’t dead. Wasn’t even injured. Didn’t lose a best friend. Didn’t lose a limb.

All he could do was being there for the both of them.

He was afraid of rejection, as he stood among them clumsily, gingerly offering them food and keeping them company at any given hour, not really knowing when to call it a day and go home.

He was scared to never do enough and at the same time, for his own presence to be too much.

But of course the boys were more than happy to have him around. He felt shameful still, and wouldn’t close his eyes before he knew the two more important people of his world were already sleeping themselves.

Steve kept wondering how they were dealing with this.

He was in awe, to see how quickly and fiercely Bucky went, from being stuck on a hospital bed to being able to shop groceries all by himself.

But of course, he knew if anyone were stubborn and proud enough to deal with such severe shit, with this amount of courage, it’d be Bucky.

It would always be James fucking Buchanan Barnes, leader of their team, no matter what the medals on Steve’s uniform said.

At first, Steve was more worried, in all honesty, about Sam.

He was a different story. He didn’t use to make a show of himself back in the days. It’s an attitude he developed while processing his loss.

Despite his apparent strength and calm and funny facade, Steve, just like Bucky, knew it was a mask their friend chose to put on every day.

His quick and easy humor was a barrier, a shield he put before himself.

A necessary distance he had to put, between himself and the world.

Between himself, and the words.

And the facts.

All those things, with sharp and cutting angles you can bleed on, if you’re not careful with.

Behind Sam’s banters and drama queen attitudes, were permanent scars that threatened to split open.

Today, Sam was always the first up, the first to help, to care, in any way he could.

He knew, as Bucky reminded him every so often, that he was being an annoying sassy granny. Because he was, desperately, trying to preserve what he had.

He was trying to make amends, for long gone things that slipped away from him.

He felt guilty for a time that ran out. He wouldn’t let anything happen to Bucky or Steve.

The weight of his failure folded his spine when he gave it too much thought, but at least he could always expect Bucky to come and get him out of his misery.

Every day he had to make that terrible choice to accept to spend another day outside, living his life for the both of him and his friend, but with his now roommate, this choice didn’t feel as terrible as it used to.

Time had helped quiet the screamings of his heart, and even given him again a sense of belonging somewhere.

Since a few months, Sam had a job, as he recently graduated from his psychology studies, and consulted veterans. And he was actually starting to enjoy it.

He felt he had no right to give up, and he was right of course, as his best friends would unleash hell on him for even trying to leave them behind.

But it was still the toughest thing to do most of the time.

To accept to go on living. To go on laughing, even though Riley wasn’t there to do it with him.

For a long time Sam couldn’t picture a life without Riley. Yet he found a way to live one.

He would never mentioned it but was grateful to have found in his darkest hour, people who’d haul him up and try to get him out of it. People who would not only be there, but who would stay.

Steve still admired him for standing up and walking through life like this. He kept wondering where that strength came from.

He didn’t let his mind wander about it very often, because it was a scary place to go, but... he knew he could never manage that well losing his best friend.

He could never loose Bucky.

It took him a hell of a time to admit it, mostly to himself, and now he knew that his feelings were of a different kind, but it was rooted deep all the same.

Family love, as in family of your own choosing, and... romantic love, Steve achingly recognized, were the toughest and sometimes saddest kinds of bounds.

Sam had an actual source of inspiration for his change in behavior.

His expanding heart and patience was an echo of Steve’s immense generosity and genuine kindness toward others.

And his bravery in the face of his own trauma and his patient’s was something he didn’t possess when he had Riley.

It’s something he wished he had. Maybe it would have made all the difference.

Maybe he would have worded his concern when Riley enlisted to do the same thing as him.

Maybe he would have actually faced his fear of blood and pursued the paramedic studies he first aimed.

Maybe he would have done something, anything, that prevented Riley from blowing up on a mine.

No matter how far fetched the idea was, it pursued him.

He wished he would have done more. Instead of just witnessing the worst.

If he was honest with himself, he knew what he wished. He wished he would have been like Bucky.

Of course he’d never say that, but like all the members of their unit, he respected the guy more than any of their higher commanders.

Such courage and honesty, and overall strength was an inspiration.

The guy was their savior, purely and simply. He’d always get their team out of the direst situations, with the craziest way through, and he didn’t do it for recognition or to be considered superior to the others. 

And in that manner, he was.

He helped them and took care of them, and faced danger head first for them, because that was who he was.

It was in his core, in his veins.

And it had almost anihilated him.

Nowadays, Bucky was letting Sam enjoy the spotlight, in any given situation.

He never complained about his injury.

He even joked about it on the better days, and still laughed at Sam’s jokes, added his own bullshit to it the way he had always had, but something was missing now.

The light in his eyes was dimmer, the corner of his mouth lifted lower than before.

He was tired, and he was bitter.

Bucky was really trying his best to fight the feeling every day, but every day had its lot of actions and choices that felt tiresome.

His mind felt sore most of the time, his own trains of thoughts hurting, and the wires of his willpower so used they threatened to break, and leave him paralyzed, his body a broken shell that was too heavy to carry.

Steve didn’t realize Bucky was suffering from depression.

Sam did. He spoke to Steve about it a few weeks ago. 

Steve was gutted.

He called in Fury in a favor he owed him and used it to get a longer leave than usual.

He didn’t even cared about being paid.

Or loosing his job. For that matter.

He suspected he wouldn’t, but even still.

How could he ever, ever worry about that, over the stake of Bucky’s mental health.

Life had its own way of putting into light priorities.

He regretted violently ever leaving Buck and Sam’s side as he had accepted SHIELD’s job offer as a field agent.

He wasn’t around anymore, and of course he wasn’t a doctor or anything and maybe he couldn’t help but... But still, it was Bucky.

Bucky, the merriest of them all, actually being sad with his own life. Every day of it.

And Steve missed that. How much of a friend was he, really.

Sam assured him he had nothing to be blamed for, as Bucky was a well trained liar and a very proud bastard on top of that, so no one could have guessed, really...

But Steve wasn’t no one. He had been around since he was eleven and Bucky twelve.

For a long time they were the only family each other had.

Steve should have seen, he should have known, better than anyone, and couldn’t forgive himself about this, just like he couldn’t forgiving himself for being so damn fine and healthy back then.

Just like Sam did, he suffered and hold a guilt that could swallow him whole.

« Sam suffered from survivor’s guilt », he said out loud, the words echoing in his mind as it mirrored his own feelings.

« As for Bucky... » he closed his eyes, as if to cast away the pain straining his voice.

“Even today, I ... I feel sick about it. I think somehow... I blame myself.

He put himself in the face of danger, and I should have told him not to. I could have. I could have commended him not to.”

Steve knew deep down that this really wasn’t a surprise. 

He knew Bucky since forever and he had always been the reckless, light spirited member of their team.

And at the same time, the most protective one.

He’d always joke about how they would end up killing him with their stupidity, and it turned out it almost did.

Riley was actually laughing before he put his feet on that death button.

And even though they were all frozen in shock as they saw him almost joining Riley in hell, none of them were surprised.

They didnt expect to die but they knew, that none of of them would go alone. Not under Bucky’s watch. Of course he’d be there when it comes close to the end.

He was that kind of guy. This certainty brought some kind of unspoken comfort to the team when they were on missions. They all trusted him beyond words.

Steve too, even though he kept hoping it didn’t come to this. He wished selfishly, that Bucky would be a coward, for once in his life, and go hide somewhere safe when needed.

But like Sam said, he was a very stubborn bastard.

He shook his head, a sad laugh escaping him, like a sob. “But Bucky was Bucky and he would have done it anyway”.

He ran a hand through his hair, looking tired and suddenly older than he ought to be, under the weight of the events.

“I stayed at his side during the time of his recovery. 

The army granted us early retirement as an attempt to excuse itself for sending us to hell in the first place”. 

His eyes went dark at the mention of the institution.

“Then Bucky woke up, and I brought him home. 

I helped him and Sam establishing their new lives, and after a few months I got called by Fury, and accepted to become an agent.

I didn’t get the chance to come home, ever since. I haven’t seen Bucky, since. It’s been a year.”

He fell silent again, staring at his empty cup absently. “I regretted leaving every day, but I couldn’t face him anymore”. 

He swallowed, his hand a fist before his mouth, his soft features now set hard in a sad thought. 

“Don’t beat yourself up. 

What happened wasn’t your fault, and there was nothing you could have done that you didn’t.

You have been there for him.

And as for not seeing him since... it’s hard to be social when you’re an agent, you know that”.

Nat regretted the hardness of her words, but felt relieved when she saw it hadn’t hurt Steve, who nodded. 

“Yeah, I know that. The thing is, I wasn’t effective in that last mission. I couldn’t help but worry about them. 

Especially about Bucky. My feelings for him...” he fell silent again, guilt washing over him.

“I couldn’t focus, I saw him standing next to his death and my brain stopped functioning. 

I lost time.

I could have...

I don’t know. »

His head dropped, loaded with sorrow and guilt.

Steve was unable to look back at Nat. He felt ashamed.

« I put them all in danger. I was frozen with fear when my unit needed me most. 

I should have seen it coming.

And... The rocket... The blast...” his words died in his throat.

Nat opened her mouth but Steve cut her gently, lifting a hand as he spoke. 

« Thanks Nat. I know you only want me to feel better. And I promise, I’m gonna work on it.

But first, I need to see him again. To see both of them, again.

I heard they are still here in Brooklyn. I want to pay them a visit, even though...

I have no idea how I’m gonna handle it”, he lifted his eyebrows, eyes intently boring into his friend’s.

Nat knew Steve was getting anxious every time he mentioned Bucky, and couldn’t even imagine how stressed he must get at the idea of seeing him again.

She wasn’t sure what Steve’s pointed looked really meant though, and decided to ask about it to avoid adding misunderstandings to an already really complicated situation.

« Steve, I know you’re only now accepting what your feelings are. 

She approached him tentatively, with measured steps, her slim fingers streched before her in a silent act of peace.

She didn’t want to upset him but decided her friend had spent way too much time waiting and torturing himself about Bucky. For many reasons.

I presume you’re not ready yet to... tell him? », she asked softly, and felt instantly bad for Steve who seemed to hyperventilate at the thought.

« I mean it’s okay, she blurted out as she reached a hand to instinctively try to reassure her giant dork of a friend.

Steve’s face had gone white but he managed to get up and breathe again as he started pacing, running both his hands in his messy hair.

This was the most nervous Nat had ever seen him, and in a year she had thought she had seen all of Steve’s expressions.

She was clearly in new territory here, and hoped she didn’t scare him away about seeing Bucky again.

Steve stopped after his seventh circle of the room and turned to Nat, his eyes filled with despair as a ragged breath escaped him.

« Nat, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve missed him so much I’m afraid I’m gonna burst in front of him the moment I see him.

But he doesn’t even know that I’m.. and he isn’t even...

I mean from what I’ve heard from Sam, he’s a killer with the ladies. »

Steve chuckled.

« But I’m not surprised at all, and don’t laugh, of course I’m gonna say that but Nat, I swear, he’s...just... he’s drop dead gorgeous. »

Steve felt himself turn almost maroon and cleared his throat « well.. anyway.. that’s not, uh, that not the point. 

He went back to sit on the stool of the kitchen bar, as in an attempt to prevent himself from fainting.

Nat snickered and sipped her coffee with an amused expression.

The point is... oh come on Nat, stop laughing please, I’m trying to focus here » he laughed, and pressed his face between his hands nervously.

« And It’s not just that Nat. It’s... how can I even? Where do I start? 

He’s the most interesting pers — man, sorry, no offense », he blurted out when Nat throw him a pen in the face in mocked hurt.

« It’s not even his physique, or his mind... 

I mean of course you know it’s not just that, but you have to know... »

Steve held a breath.

Then let go of it slowly, searching for his words.

« It’s his heart, I guess ».

But even that failed to describe it.

Steve looked frustrated now.

He sighed again, a hand on his mouth.

He looked like a painter, eternally critical of a work he’d always consider unfinished.

« Actually... I don’t know if there were any words designed to describe someone like him. »

The shadow that had set on his face digs deeper the circles around his beautiful but tired eyes.

During our time in the army, Bucky’s done more for any of us combined than it’s imaginable.

I don’t get how they just sent him home, the army didn’t deserve a guy like him.

We as a team, didn’t feel we deserved him.

He’s so capable, patient, thoughtful, and so strong and yes, really charming. »

« I mean he could be given the world with that smile, but back there he wasn’t using any of these qualities to his advantage.

He’s been out there in the fields, countless times watching people’s back and diving into the fire without even expecting a thank.

He was doing his best for all of the guys around. 

I was promoted Captain and he wasn’t, he didn’t even try, he didn’t even want to shine but kept doing it, anyway. 

He even...

Steve shook his head, his smile vanishing in the process. He furrowed his brows again, his eyes lost in a wordless pain.

« Nat, after.. what happened, he apologized. 

That’s how crazy and stubborn the guy is. He apologized to Sam, and then even to me for scaring me so bad. 

He was ridiculous, Nat. »

Steve looked up to meet Nat’s knowing gaze. She smiled as he went on, « That’s it ».

« That’s what Buck is. He’s so ridiculous. Way too good to be true.

 Where so many would have tried to use and abuse the system, or their comrades, with mad skills and charms like his, that... that jerk was just so protective and caring for the others. 

I know you think I’m a nice guy, you like to piss me off about how too polite I am and yes, I guess I am. Respectful. 

 I don’t like to break rules, and you have every right to call me boring nanny because I’m pretty sure I am. 

 I wish I could have recorded that part », Nat offered, her green eyes glinting with mischief.

Steve laughed abruptly at that, and put shyly a hand before his mouth, staying silent for a while, enjoying the complicity they had.

Steve felt so thankful for Nat to listen to his banter, and to be so kind without even having to talk that much.

He knew Nat, behind her cold look and salty humor, was a good person with a big heart and she cared, she cared more for the people around her than she was able to express out loud.

But out loud wasn’t needed.

Steve knew just by looking at her. He resolved himself to try to be there for her the way she was being for him in this very moment, and that thought made him happier than he already was.

« Nat, I have to say... thank you, really. 

You’re being so patient and ...

I have to admit that even from you, I... I never expected to meet that level of understanding while talking about... how another guy makes me feel. »

Steve’s blue eyes had returned to the floor once more, and when they lifted again they were red at the corners.

« Are you sure you’re okay with all this? »

Nat’s eyes grew wide for a second, disbelief plain in her face, but she quickly recovered and rolled her eyes, scoffing.

« Steve, you’re being ridiculous yourself, now. 

You’re my friend, it’s normal that I try to help you. 

You need to talk, so go ahead. 

It’s normal for true friends to do that.

Why wouldn’t I? Did you expect me to, I don’t know... judge you? »

She knew Steve would apologize right away, so she didn’t let him speak and kindly put a hand on his own.

« Hey. 

It’s okay if you did, I guess it must be hard to trust anyone with that kind of love even nowadays, I recognize it.

And it pains me. 

Because you’re in love just like anybody else.

So you deserve to be happy all the same », she said firmly, but her eyes remained kind while she did.

« Now. Come on, Rogers.

Go on. I know that look on your face.

You’re boiling to continue ». 

That managed to make Steve look away and laugh even more, but he did as she asked and went on.

« Bucky is... Bucky is just... maybe too nice for his own good and you said that about me but really, I’m not.

I’ve just been inspired. An awful lot. 

Today people who meet him might think less of him, find him a bit wild and defensive, but they don’t know what they’re talking about.

He can do so much, so much more than many, really.

And he doesn’t even acknowledge that.

I’ve never heard him take credit for anything, never heard him never brag about what people said. 

He’s accomplished crazy missions with a calm and ease that would have made the other guys jealous.

But you couldn’t even be jealous about Buck. 

You literally cannot dislike him.

I... I hope you like him Nat, because maybe it’s just all in my head, I’m so... »

« Head over heels? », she smiled, lifting her eyebrow comically.

« Yeah, I think you can say that. It’s a cliché, but it’s true ».

Steve fell silent again, but seemed quiet and not sad this time.

He wore a smile that looked permanent, that’s what this guy was doing to him.

It was so refreshing of a sight to see him content that way.

Silent stretched comfortably between the two of them.

After a while, Nat turned a questioning look to him, to which he answered with a shake of his head.

« Yeah I think I’m done now, I can’t add anything, I’m afraid I can never stop when it comes to him », Steve murmured hoarsely.

 

« For how long », Nat asked, out of the blue but her voice gentle.

Steve seemed to weight her question, bitting on his lips so he wouldn’t anwser too soon.

« I... it’s been always there, I think.

For one, Buck and I have known each other since we were kids. He was twelve and I eleven.

I know I’ve had a childhood before him but honestly, I didn’t keep that much memory of it.

It wasn’t sad, wasn’t empty, I’ve always been a happy kid and my mum was so sweet...

We were what you can call poor, but we had each other, that was enough and anyway, I don’t like this word, « poor », because I don’t even remember it that way, it’s never felt that way.

Even less once Buck came in.

We were best friends, I don’t even know how it started, it just feels like he’s always been there.

He lived nearby but it was just as much as if he lived next door. Or at home with us », Steve smiled, closing his eyes, bathing in what looked like warm and sweet years filled with funny and unforgettable moments.

« I didn’t think about it too much, about... about how I felt, I was too young, I thought it didn’t matter.

I thought that it wouldn’t matter, ever, just as much as it wouldn’t change.

It just was. Just like Bucky was.

Here. And true.

Nothing more needed.

It was peaceful, in a way. I miss that.

Back then when it was just the two of us.

Afterwards, we went to college and got surrounded by other people, and I was afraid to lose what we had, but Bucky never turned from me.

Not once.

He was popular, of course he was, he was everyone’s acquaintance but for some reason I still can’t see, he was only really friend with me.

I didn’t push it, I wanted him to thrive, he’s a passionate guy, has always been, he was into sports, boxing, he was so good at it. He was admired even then.

I didn’t even compared him as a brother or as another friend, because I had none of that and didn’t want that to change for the world.

I had everything I needed as long as I was with him.

Once in the army.... »

Steve’s eyes were shining, but his face turned serious. 

He cleared his troat.

« Once in the army, well, he’s made himself known very fast, just like everywhere else »,

Nat felt the shift in her friend’s mood and knew thy were back to darker thoughts.

The army did that to a person. It turned them serious, in the middle of a joke, just like that.

« He became our team’s hero, for sure, but even before all that, he was always mine already.

Bucky’s always made me happy. I don’t even understand how he doesn’t know already.

It must be written all over my face, isn’t it? » he said, more a statement than a question, to what Nat still felt the need to nod solemnly with a sly grin splitting her pretty face.

« And he’s not even around, Rogers.

You’re so, so screwed », she scoffed, enjoying the panic she infused in the soldier a little too much to the latter’s taste...

...Who proceeded to get up from his kitchen stool and drag himself toward the couch where he dropped with a long sigh, all the while shaking his head with a judging look fixed on the spy, who was now crying with laughter.

Nat managed to calm down and invited maliciously Steve to go on with an exaggerated bow and movement of her arms.

Steve looked fondly at her and put both his hands before his mouth in a thoughtful posture.

« Nat. What I am suppose to say, to do?

I can’t even believe I’ve been away from him for so long.

How could I?

Why did I do that... What does he think of me leaving like this...

Like he didn’t matter.. like he didn’t...

He just means, Nat, he means so much to me and I’ve never been able to show him...

He’s always been there for me in every way and I still can’t figure how I’m that lucky.

I was just a tiny annoying little boy who kept getting beaten by taller and stronger guys, and Bucky...

Bucky’s always got me out of trouble. No idea why, but back then already he was stubborn as hell.

Okay, as stubborn as me, I guess! » the blond quickly added, smiling and instinctively dropping his head under Nat’s incredulous stare.

Nat let him talk.

She motioned to get closer to the couch but couldn’t resolve to sit next to Steve.

She needed to remain up, and moving, and decided to prepare another pot of coffee while listening to her friend, her eyes never quite leaving him.

She was quietly listening. She could feel Steve needed to put words on his feelings.

She wasn’t supposed to be on the other end of that speech, Bucky was, but she guessed it wouldn’t hurt Steve to practice before being that brave, when the time comes.

When he’d be ready. 

Which he definitely wasn’t, judging by the way he couldn’t help but twist his hands and clutch at the hem of his shirt, a gesture he didn’t even pay attention to.

He was carried away by the image of Bucky. Nat knew that feeling, and wondered if she would ever feel that way toward anyone, after Clint.

She felt her throat tight, crushing under dark thoughts, and looked up to see Steve had stopped talking suddenly.

He must have seen the look on her face. Nat cursed internally.

Steve knew Nat had had someone and that she lost him but Nat wasn’t, of course, fond of reminiscing this, so he didn’t know more.

But he would never push to know more. And he didn’t need, even.

He was compassionate enough that way, she thought, and it made her feel terribly guilty all at once, for not being able to share this with him as just moments ago she made him do exactly this.

And for stopping Steve in the momentum of nothing more than a love declaration.

What Steve was feeling was pure and needed to be encouraged.

Her friend, her best friend, was lighted up from the inside by the very thought of someone else, and Nat didn’t want to dim that light, to taint it with the sticky ink of the pain she kept inside.

« I’m sorry Steve. Please go on, I mean it. I’m fine », she added, seeing the utter look of worry frowning Steve’s perfect features.

« Come on, tell me about him. You’re so adorable when you’re doing it », she said, and snickered when she saw her partner turning red for the tenth time this morning, this time several shades darker than before. 

« All right, if you insist », he laughed too, but his own excitement overwhelmed him, and finally put him at a loss of words. 

The redhead watched him fondly as he hid his face with his big hands like a child, before turning around, hands up in the air in a dramatic gesture Nat wasn’t familiar with, even from him.

Nat got up too, and looked up at him with a knowing expression.

« I get it, Steve. It’s a big deal for you. What do you want to do. How do you want to face this? And if I can help, I’d be happy to ».

Steve seemed to calm a bit at her words. She patted his arm lightly. « Breathe. And tell me. Take your time ».

Confident now that her friend wasn’t going to faint, she went back to where their coffee was waiting for them.

Steve went back to his seat, and folded his hands before his forehead, before hurtling out « Can you help me get him jealous? »

Well. That was, no pun intended, straight to the point, Nat thought, surprised. But it made sense.

Steve was getting agitated and started talking with his hands, and Nat took care to keep a security distance between him and the boiling pot of coffee she was approaching him with.

Steve looked like he was sorry he couldn’t shut up now.

He went on, « Or I mean, just. Just trying to find out if there’s any hope of him being, you know, interested like that... Gosh, this sounds ridiculous » he frowned, and chewed his lips.

Nat, not for the first time this morning, felt bad for Steve and at the same time, found his clumsiness very endearing. But that was probably not what he needed to hear right now.

“Hey, relax. Of course I’ll help you. What would you do without me, really?” she said playfully as she poured coffee in their cups.

“Besides I’m finally getting to meet the guy, I can’t say no to that, I’m too curious!”, she squealed, wiggling her arms in the air like a cheerleader. Steve snorted loudly at that sight and almost dropped his cup. 

Steve could feel Nat’s excitement and it only increased his own, a mixture of anticipation, fear and pure joy at the thought of seeing Bucky again.

He’d missed Sam too if course, but at least the idea of him only made him happy, as he longed for his friend’s sarcastic and drama queen jokes and unlimited resource of salt toward anybody that always cracked him up. 

As for Bucky... his feelings were far more complex, as he couldn’t tell wether it would crush him with guilt, or with embarrassment, if he didn’t manage to hide his undeniable pining for the guy. 

——————————-

« For God’s sake, Sam, I am not going to call that girl » Bucky muttered, his mouth half full of his now cold pizza slice, his eyes boring into his best friend’s stare, which was way too excited to the brunette’s taste. 

Damn. He loved Wilson a great deal but jeez, he could be so annoying, especially these past few weeks. 

They were sitting at the back of the café they went to every Friday night, sharing dinner before going out to some hype private club Sam would have managed to get VIP access to, at what cost, Bucky didn’t want to know, no thanks. 

Sam already fed him too much information about his sex life on a daily basis, and even though Bucky had the patience to listen to his roommate unending contemplation of women’s butts, he wasn’t a masochist and would never intently ask him to share more than he already did.

Bucky stared at the worn out piece of paper the waitress had not very subtly stuck under his plate, and snickered as he saw the glint of jealousy in Sam’s eyes, that only grew bigger when Bucky purposefully wiped his greasy hands with it, erasing half of the numbers written on it. 

‘I swear, sometimes I really don’t get you, man’ Sam sighed, closing his eyes as to emphasize how desperate his friends made him feel. 

He sipped on his coffee before adding ‘And don’t tell me she’s not your type, because as this rate, we’ve exhausted every type there is’.

Bucky just put his hands up his face in a innocent shrug ‘Then my lips are sealed, buddy’, and the brunette was pretty sure Sam’s ears would soon fume with smoke under the weight of his blatant frustration.

‘Hey, do I have to remind you that you’ve agreed to me helping you dating? So far, you were already a pain in the ass, despite the ladies’ unnecesseary help, but right now, you’re borderline insufferable!’ the older soldier spat, not unkindly, his lips a thin line as Bucky knew he was repressing a smile. 

Bucky tried to argue with his friend, but couldn’t find it in himself. 

He was getting tired of lying. He pinched the bridge of his nose, shutting his eyes as he processed to find a way to begin his confession.

Sam feigned utter shock at the sight of his friend thinking so hard, and put a hand on one of his. 

’Hey I appreciate the effort, but don’t try too hard, you might strain something in there’, he said teasingly while poking softly the brunette’s head, the mocking gesture owning him a slap on his fingers as Bucky looked up, a half smile forming on his full lips.

‘I’m actually considering telling you some real intel, don’t make me regret it already’. 

He sighed. He gestured at their empty glasses, deciding if he was about to do what he feared most, he’d need a lot more courage than what he naturally possessed.

‘Fine. I’ll spill my darkest secrets, sir. But we’re too sober for this. Let’s have some more booze, okay?’

Sam’s mouth opened wide and remained ajar for an instant as his a smile stretched to his ears. ‘I’m on it, baby’ and he stood up, rushing to the bar as if his life depended on it. 

Bucky snickered fondly and found himself reviving the memory of how he had sold his soul to the devil.

—————————

Sam’s awfully persistent teasing about his own love life had all began when Bucky, during one of their countless sleepover at their flat, had accidentally slipped out how frustrated and unfair life was. 

Words he regretted instantly when he saw the light turning on in Sam’s foggy brain, the sight of it quickly sobering him up with dread, as he knew he had ignited a fire he couldn’t extinguish without harming himself.

‘Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, are you finally admitting your life isn’t perfect? Because I, a graduated Doctor in psychology, am here for you buddy, with a solution to all of your problems, should you care enough for my poor ass the share them’, Sam had clinked Bucky’s drink with his own in the process of getting on his knees and bomb his chest solemnly. 

Bucky had scoffed loudly and waited for Sam to end his beer before knocking him down with a kick, the crushing sound of Sam falling right into their pillow fort oddly satisfying to Bucky’s ears. 

Sam had not even tried to get up, but proceeded to turn his half buried head toward his opponent, his drink still high in the air, as he pointed at Bucky with it. 

‘Is that all you got, not argument? Damn, I’m right, then! Come on, say it, you’re tired of being single, and you need Dr Wilson’s dating adv-

‘Don’t insult me, pal. I hate to break it to you but how am I suppose to trust your so called abilities, when you’re as depressingly single as me? 

´And I’m just saying, but unlike some, I actually chose to remain that way’ Bucky spat, sitting straighter, snickering as he saw Sam trying to do the same, ending up half sunken into the pillows, his hand placated to his chest in a mocking gesture of hurt.

If you consider pining for ages for your best friend... and finally giving up on being with him and, in the process, with anyone ever, a choice, he thought bitterly.

Bucky fought off this sad memory, and decided he didn’t want to spoil the mood of the evening by brooding any longer.

Fortunately Sam’s quick wit didn’t let him time to complain internally about his miserable foolish heart.

He had lost count of how many times Sam had, without even knowing it, stopped him from hating himself and his life a little more, by making him laugh in ways only he was able to.

‘Is that a way to treat your best buddy?’ Sam had pleaded, now pretending to wipe off invisible tears, which got Bucky clutching at his own ribs as he burst out laughing. 

‘I’m only stating facts, is all’ Bucky laughed as Sam decided to throw in his face all the pillow he was precariously sitting on. 

‘But as I’m generous, I shall give you my precious time. I am all ears, enlighten me’ he added, a glint of mischief flashing in his grey eyes as he crossed his arms on his chest.

‘First, why the hell does a guy like you, who gets asked his number like twice a day wherever he goes, had not yet even once, bothered me by bringing a one night stand at home?’ 

Shit. How do I escape from this, the younger soldier thought, his heart missing a beat.

I have no actual excuse to why I don’t date ever. 

His mind raced, frightenend, looking into every corner for an acceptable explanation, finding none.

Wilson is gonna have me on the ropes soon, he’s really relentless when he has set his mind to something...

Bucky didn’t blame him and was actually flattered of the interest Sam had for his yet very bland and boring current life.

He ached to share with him the truth. Several of them, actually.

But like so many nights before, he felt a pang of fear in his chest that only made him want to run.

Even from his best friend.

And he was going ballistic inside for how worn out these secrets made him feel.

Sam was joking but the question was a real one, his curiosity and confusion clear in his eyes as he stopped his assault on Bucky to let him speak.

As always, Bucky knew he could defuse the shot with humor, but that option had lost its appeal a long time ago already.

Bucky sighed « I’m too tired to discuss this », his answer clearly not accepted by his roommate as a cushion landed in his eyes. 

‘Let’s just say dating isn’t my thing. Besides why the hell are you complaining? 

‘I’m pretty sure it’s every roomate’s dream to be able to sleep peacefully without having to burry their face into their pillow to cover the noise of their friends banging through the wall!’

Sam nodded thoughtfully, a hand on his chin, weighting his friends’s words with a shake of his head. 

‘Sure, that’s pretty nice, but also pretty worrying.

I was born to tease you man, and you know it, but I’m also concerned about you having a life. You know, being happy and all that.

You deserve it, especially after the past few years’.

Bucky couldn’t stand the seriousness of Sam, as it both was a very unsettling sight, considering his friend was almost never serious, and brought him back to things he didn’t want to think of, at least not while he was awake.

He resolved to give Sam back all of his pillows at once, which led the latter to jerk up his hands in surrender. 

‘Fine, let’s call it a night! Damn bro, you’re always stronger than me and you never go to the gym, that’s so unfair!’.

Bucky stopped throwing things and looked him down, a shit eating grin on his face as he said proudly ‘And I only got one arm. Really, you’re no match for me’, smiling toothily as Sam turned red with embarrassment. ‘Shut up and to go bed already’. 

Bucky had felt relieved that night, as Sam had actually dropped the subject, but was struck by his own guilt and nervousness as he knew it was unfair to keep Sam in the dark. He really had to man it up and tell what he had hidden for so long about himself.

And he would.

Just not tonight.

The morning after, he had promised Sam he’d tell him all about his reasons to remain single, if Sam agreed to not mention any girl and any remote concept of dating, for a week. 

—————————————

It was now Friday evening, and Bucky had felt guilty to have forced Sam to perform such an exhausting exercice, as he met him in their usual café and thought Sam would have ended up with an infarct, had he been compelled to shut up for another day.

 

Sam was taking way too long to simply order beer and whisky, Bucky decided, and proceeded to get up as well to investigate his friend’s probable flirt with the barista. 

Yup, he’s definitely chasing, he thought as he came closer and saw how pretty the lady was.

She had her eyes set on the beer she was serving Sam, and was smiling as the young man was telling her a joke Bucky had not idea would serve its purpose. 

Bucky looked fondly at his best friend who seemed thrilled to be listened to, and met his eyes.

Sam made sure the barista wasn’t looking at him and put both his thumbs up in the air triumphantly while giving him an exaggerated wink.

Bucky cringed internally as he was pretty sure the barista could see that, and tried to put Sam’s hands down, to stop him from embarrassing himself and therefore waste his chance at anything, really. 

Except at the exact same time, the barista lifted the beer up, knocking it into Bucky’s arm as she realized his presence.

Bucky heard the barista gasp, and Sam groaned, simultaneously, and jerked himself backward, just in time to avoid being splashed with alcohol.

The barista first looked at the mess she had made, blurting out a strangled ‘SORRY!’ and had then looked up at Bucky who was smiling in relief, happy to realize his reflexes had not gotten rusty despite his years of civilian life.

As if she had been hit by the beer herself, she was staring at him, mouth agape and soon regained her composure, flashing him what Bucky assumed was her best smile - very subtle, he though, cringing even more - and leaned over the counter to touch him. 

‘I’m so sorry, I hadn’t seen you, are you okay?’ she asked kindly, and Bucky instinctively took a step back. 

He didn’t like being touched, less by a stranger and, well, he still was processing the very existence of his prosthetic arm... and didn’t even like touching it himself.

So he basically gathered all of his Jedi strength not to jump five feet from her and slap her at the same time.

And he managed to do it. Not that it mattered anyway, considering the barista was now looking at him as if he had murdered her cat.

Bucky cleared his throat, and mumbled a “Sorry” while pulling behind his ear a rebellious strand of hair falling before his eyes. 

Which, apparently, wasn’t a good idea as he saw the barista smiling again, whispering not that discretely with a very misplaced wink ‘All is forgiven. Are you sure you’re okay?’ looking him up and down, like a fine piece of cake, and it was so creepy it stopped him mid-air. 

He just wanted to become invisible for the rest of the night.

‘Yeah I’m good, thank you, but I think you owe my friend a beer’ he said, avoiding the lady’s hungry and frankly disturbing stare, and deciding to focus on his best friend instead.

Sam offered him a sheepish smile, knowing in his heart he couldn’t actually blame Bucky for turning every girl’s head, especially when he saw how uncomfortable it made him feel.

‘Of course, right away’ he heard the barista purred, « Drinks are on the house ». Bucky looked back at her and thought about insisting on paying, but decided it would only be patronizing to do so.

And this girl was really starting to scare him anyway, so he just nodded and took the two drinks with his right hand, a skill he had developed during his recovery that also allowed him to yank Sam off his seat by the shoulder with his left arm, in an attempt to tell him wordlessly to get the hell outta there.

His arm was a ‘gift’ from SHIELD - more like a pathetic excuse attempt, according to Steve - and Bucky wasn’t exactly sure how it worked but knew he could grab things with it, but so far the only movement he was confident to do with it was to grab Sam by the shoulder and really, that was all he needed right now.

Bucky thanked the lady before returning to their booth, a confused Sam hot on his heels.

When they sat back, Bucky felt guilty still, and looked up at Sam, handing him his beverage in a silent request of a toast. Sam responded to it without thinking.

The both of them had made a point of never drinking alone, fearing the trauma of their years of serving would turn them into alcoholics, and to drink only for happy events. 

Bucky thought ‘happy’ was certainly the last word he’d use to describe the action of him coming out to his best friend, but he chased the thought away while tasting the first sip of his drink. 

After all, maybe they’d get to laugh about it someday. 

Bucky really hoped he’d still have a « they » to hold on to, after tonight. 

He shifted in his seat, trying the shrug off his anxiety.

It was silly, he thought, Sam and him had been to Hell and back together, and Sam was even a psychologist, surely he was one of the least judgmental people he knew.

‘Ok first of all, simple question. How can you resist such beauties? I’m not even talking about dating, being serious and all that, just... having a bit of fun, really. 

And I mean how could you turn down any of those we’ve met in, let’s say, the past two weeks. Is it that you have mad high standards like, you’re preserving yourself for Charlize Theron or whatever?’ Sam scoffed.

His inquisitory stare made Bucking want to shrink, and disappear, for the second time tonight.

« It’s not... » 

Damn. How could he explain that? 

He didn’t think Sam was ready to hear what he had to say, but he had promised himself he’d try.

Still, it was way too weird saying it out loud. In the open. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to face the aftermath of such a statement. 

Hey, It’s not that they’re ugly, it’s just that I’m gay.

And not just gay, I’m crazy for our mutual friend.

Yeah... no, that wasn’t exactly easy to bring casually in the conversation.

Once he did, there’d be no turn back. 

Not only was the truth incredible, it was also incredibly specific.

« Take the waitress from earlier, the one who gave me her number. She’s just not my type, you know? » was all he managed to say, casting a sorry look over the brunette, his voice distorted by the lump in his throat as he tried to maintain an indifferent face. 

But he could feel his blood burn as his guts twisted under the weight of fake smiles and worn out lies.

Yes, this beautiful, young and apparently very interested girl wasn’t his type. But it went deeper than that. 

She wasn’t a he. 

She wasn’t him.

A gentle tap on in shoulder broke Bucky out of his consuming thoughts. 

« Dude, it’s ok, she’s not your type, plenty of fishes in the ocean, right? You’re not compelled to like her. I get it, but she’s the hundredth you’re turning down. Are you married or what? » he squinted an eyebrow comically, before resuming to sipping his drink. He quickly added, worried that Bucky might get offended by the turn of their conversation, « I’m sorry, I’m pushing you. 

All I want is to know what’s going on inside that pretty face of yours, so I can help you if you want me to. For real, I mean it ».

Bucky would have felt truly moved by his speech if he hasn’t added right away, as if on cue « Annnd sooner or later, we’ll find you someone, trust me on this » with a shit eating grin Bucky wanted to rub off his face.

He sighed, and resumed sipping his now decidedly way too sweet drink.

Sam seemed to drop it as he suddenly stood and walked over to the jukebox. 

He hadn’t returned to their place that already, Bucky recognized the first notes of Womanizer - for real, wasn’t it too soon to play Britney Spears in such a holy thing as a music machines, as if it had reached the wise age of all actual good music? - and it was now his turn to almost compromise his sight with the violence an exaggerated eye roll.

Sam, being Sam, then ordered two double espressos, and came back sitting back in front of Bucky, putting down their drinks, before planting his glossy brown eyes into lightly foggy, and very bored silver ones.

He tried to fight off a grin and failed, and opened his mouth as if to speak, several time. 

Considering his options, several times.

Finally setting on his face an expression of mixed excitement and apprehension, knowing too well that what he got was an officially terrible idea.

There he goes, Bucky thought, not without heat. 

He pinched the bridge of his nose in the middle of Sam’s agitation, sighed again and burtled out « Come at me, I’m ready ».

He hadn’t meant to speak that loud, and clearly Sam hadn’t expected that either, judging by the startled look on his face.

« I mean », he added, more softly, « I’m listening. 

But I am warning you, I’m really not into ‘this’ - he gestured vaguely toward where the brunette was now flirting with another guy - ‘kind of person’ », his mouth twisted in disgust as he set his eyes back on his friend.

He felt tired to the bones, explaining this, because she was the exact opposite of Steve. 

Really, it was hilarious.

« I don’t know. Call me judgemental but, she just liked my looks. Not me, you know? 

She didn’t even try to talk to me, and asked for my number and when she didn’t get it, she just went off to chase another guy’s. »

He was close to sadness now, remembering how easier it was for straight people to just go and flirt in public.

« See, I’m picky. » 

He laughed bitterly.

« I’m wayyy over picky, even. Hell, I don’t have a word for this ».

He realized he was a bit tipsy now, and plunged forward to grab the welcome caffeine, trying to fight off the effects of his last drink. 

« But » he added hoarsely, « You do have a point, I’ve been single for too long », trying his best to hide his curiosity.

Sam was, so far, completely absorbed by his phone. 

He hummed in agreement then, as realization hit his mind, raised his head up comically with his brows menacing to fly off of his forehead, almost dropping the device with the momentum of his quick reaction.

« Come again? You’re agreeing with me? Like, actually? I’m RIGHT? », he paused dramatically, « Dude, I didn’t know you were having it so bad. Are you okay? » He pretended to get up and try to wrap his arms around Bucky like a grandma would stomp a grandchild, and Bucky groaned weakly, not even feeling like fighting his friend the way they always ended up doing. 

Bucky just batted his hands away in annoyance, like he would fly off a moskito, while Sam got back to his part of the booth, clearly satisfied. 

« Just so you know, I’m already having ideas about how to get you to meet your other half ». Sam’s fingers were flying on his screen and Bucky did his best not to look closer. 

He took advantage of that Sam wasn’t looking to eye him fondly as he was enjoying being the eternal kid he was. 

Bucky may act like it bothered him, but his evening was actually improving, now that he got to witness how invested in his - inexistant - love life Sam was willing to be.

Because no matter what dark schemes his best friend had made for him, he was always grateful to have him doing that. 

To have him trying, to take care of him.

Guilt dropped a weight in his stomach as he realized what a terrible friend he was, keeping his closest friend so far away from the truth. 

Bucky shifted again in his seat, his unease growing by the minute. 

He couldn’t wait to hear Sam’s plotting, not only because Sam was dying to explain it but also, so that he could have a serious talk with him, once all cards were on the table.

«Of course you are. Okay, you have me. What could go wrong? 

Besides, I’m so done with you saying I’m gonna end up eaten by my cats like an old lady. »

Sam snickered at the mention of that, but kept his gaze fixed on his screen, having apparently found something of great interest on it. 

Bucky sipped in his half warm coffee and dropped his gaze to his feet. 

« Look, I have my reasons not to accept these girls invitations.. And it’s not that I’m just a nerd like you may suggest.

First of all I just never took the time to do it, because it’s so fucking complicated.

And I didn’t need that in my life. But... I do feel lonely okay, I admit it. »

For the hundredth time of the night he sighed, already regretting spilling out that much, and fearing alcohol would make him slip into a dangerous territory. 

But that was precisely what he intended to do, because he owed Sam at least the truth. 

And he was a man of his word, so he’d be damned before he’d run off from this.

Maybe he was a masochist after all, he thought sarcastically. 

Besides, he’d forced himself to keep all of his struggles bottled up and tonight, he had enough of it, and if it was the last thing he did, he’d take the present chance he had at finally telling his friend about what had been eating him up all these years.

About why life was so cruel, really. 

About how much his own life sucked because of a certain tall, hilarious and adorable blond angel. 

Named Steven Rogers. 

Whom they’ve known like forever. 

Shit.

He wondered if Sam would feel more shocked, disgusted or betrayed by the revelation. 

He felt the urge to backpedal, afraid of the aftermath of his decision. 

He felt stuck in a trap of his own design. 

He was agreeing to try to date, agreeing to move past Steve, after all these years. 

So yeah, he was okay with trying, but at least he had to tell Sam he was playing for the other team.

Figuring now wasn’t the time, at all, to get lost in self destructive thoughts, he cleared his throat, like he could his mind. 

« I have to tell you something first ». 

Sam’s eyes shot up, clearly he hadn’t expected this night to reach that level of spicy, but now, seeing Bucky’s grim expression, he figured maybe his friend really had an excellent reason not to committ to anyone ever. 

Was he sick? Sam began to panic and reached to grab Bucky’s hand. 

‘Dude, spill, you’re really freaking me out now. What’s wrong? » he asked, dropping all masks of mischief and teasing to let his worry show. 

‘I’m not into... that kind of people. At all. I’ve never been’ Bucky sputtered, cringing at his poor choice of words. 

How could Sam even make sense of what he was saying if he was so cryptic?

‘I mean I....’ he looked up and didn’t finish his sentence as realization set on Sam’s face. 

His mouth opened comically as he searched for his words.

‘Oh man. 

To think I’ve studied the human psyche for years.

How could I miss that?’ he asked himself out loud, his voice darkened by the weight of all he reproached himself in that moment.

‘Dude I’m so sorry I didn’t even think about you being g-‘ 

He didn’t get to finish as Bucky had plunged forward and put a hand on his friend’s mouth, his eyes filled with terror at the idea anyone around them could hear the word. 

Damn if he was closeted. 

Then, he stepped back and looked at Sam as if he was seeing him for the first time of the night, brows furrowed. 

« You’re not, I don’t know... disgusted by me? ». 

Bucky was seriously expecting the worst of their conversation, and it was painful for Sam to imagine he would probably have never talked about it to anyone if he wasn’t himself such a stubborn asshole.

‘Why the Hell would I be disgusted? You’re my best friend, my brother.

I don’t care about whether you’re gay or straight, or ace or whatever. Especially after having seen the horrors people can do.

Loving is the best part of humanity. Thankfully we live in a time everyone’s allowed to love anyone, publicly even, and I’m proud to be a part of that society.

So no, if nothing, I’m shocked that you’d been able, you, of all people, to keep such a big secret, and that I, the ever perceptive genius, completely missed that.

That’s the only thing wrong, really’ he laughed, and squeezed gently Bucky’s almost shaking arm. 

‘Aw man relax, or I’ll be compelled to really hug you like a proper granny this time’, he threatened, and felt relieved as his roommate actually burst out laughing at that. 

Bucky’s heart was still racing like crazy in his chest, he couldn’t believe he’d say the truth - well now that he thought about it, he didn’t even say anything, but he didn’t deny the truth so he guessed it was a start - and was ever so thankful to have Sam in his life. 

He felt his eyes sting and quickly wiped them of with his right hand.

« Okay that’s such a relief pal, I... I don’t have words. Except that, yeah. I guess I’m open to your... dating advice. Now that you have, you know, all the information. What’s your dating plan? » 

Mimicking Sam’s taste for drama, he paused, a hand on his chest. « Oh god, please don’t make me say that ever again. I’m already regretting it ».

Sam’s expression had turned very serious with the weight of Bucky’s speech and his own, but as he heard those last words, his adult face melted instantly and he went back to his usual twelve years old self. 

He was lighting up, splaying both his arms around his side of the booth, and stretching his legs slowly as the grin on his face turned into a toothy smile. 

Bastard behaved now as if he owned the place. 

He had clearly been hoping for Bucky to be that desperate. And now was his moment of glory. 

How and when did he make the choice to be friend with such a stubborn little motherf-

« Okay so, hear me out. 

How about, since you’re clearly so ‘above this’ - he emphasized, flexing his fingers and wagging his eyebrows with his most defined expression of disdain - « you go to a masked party?

I know it sounds silly but really, not that much.

You can’t argue with that. You just told me you don’t care about the person or should I say’, he whispered exaggeratingly ‘the guy’s appearance, because that’s not what matters, that’s not what you’re after ».

Bucky swallowed. That wasn’t exactly false, but he felt the need to correct him. He wanted to forget about Steve, but what if he stumbled on a psychopath? Not that a regular date would prevent him from meeting such a fate anyway, but still, he shivered at the idea of being stuck, blindfolded, with a crazy guy. Or crazy guys, several, considering it’ would be a whole establishment, full of people.

But before he could, Sam hold a hand up, adding « I’m not finished, bro.  
It’s fine. I didn’t take you for the intellectual snob type but hey, you learn new things every day », he laughed while dodging the toothpick Bucky had thrown his way.

« So I’ve found the perfect thing. It’s a party where everyone wears masks, no matter what kind, but it has to hide enough of the face for the person to remain anonymous. So of course, it must be tricky as fuck and you’d have to deal with various level of crazy bad shit people which, if you want my opinion » \- He stopped to level his gaze and, as expected, met the death glare of Bucky that didn’t say but very loudly thought about how needed Sam’s opinion was - Sam, totally unphased, went on, « Which to me, is half the fun already, and by the time midnight rings, you must be paired with someone. »

He got up and picked his jacket, fumbling into the pockets to retrieve his charger. 

« You just have to subscribe here - he put his own phone flat on the table, showing an online form (how much of this crazy plan he had already thought through, actually Bucky didn’t even want to know, that was creepy) and I’ll take care of the rest. Your lazy ass majesty will only have to be on time at the rendezvous ». 

Bucky forced himself not to gag over the idea that he was about to agree to such a lame and bizarre kind of activity, and hunched over the table to have a proper look at the online flyer. 

It bore flashing bright colors and showed six very eccentric looking guys and girls, with each a style of their own. 

A brunette with many tattoos and strands of hair dyed purple, the color matching that of his tie and short pants flattering his tan skin.  


A red head wearing an open suit with no shirt under and, god clearly no pants either, holding teasingly a pair of glasses with his mouth.  


The third a blond-gray haired tall guy, dressed in a way more classy and casual outfit than his friends. 

The other partygoers were girls, and obviously, Bucky didn’t waste any time on them. 

All of them wearing various lightly designed silk masks, with vibrant colors, holding out a finger before their mouth with with a mischievous smile on their faces. 

Overall, an attempt effort at originality that might have seduced an openly gay, or flirty kind of guy. 

And the more time went by, the more Bucky was growing confident that he was neither. 

Bucky was glad and amazed that Sam’s intent to find him a date hadn’t been shaken in the least at Bucky’s revelation. 

But he still feared actually going to this event, or any other, and decided to stall. 

He set his mind to work on an answer salty enough to make Sam crunch his whole face. 

When he found one, he looked up and -

And saw Steve freaking Rogers, of all people, entering the café. Alongside a frankly gorgeous redhead that kept smiling at whatever Steve was telling her. 

Damn. Just what I needed.

As if they had both heard him, they turned theirs heads over to where Sam and him were seated, and with an almost alarming synchronization, their smiles faded and were replaced with an unnerving mix of surprise and nervousness.

Duh, weirdos. At least they’re perfect for each other.

Bucky fought back the urge to slam his hands on the table and leave, deciding the universe had had enough fun of him for the night. 

Instead, he tilted his head awkwardly on the side, the beginning of a strained smile dying on his lips as he forced his focus back on Sam. 

Sam, who was still waiting for his friend’s answer, but had felt the change in the atmosphere, and instinctively turned his head around, worried about what could make Bucky’s face look that sick.

He greeted Steve and the redhead warmly, then looked back at Bucky. And at Steve and the girl again, processing, and turned to look at Bucky with a questioning look..

« Hey don’t be like that, jealousy doesn’t suit anyone, not even you, buddy ». 

Bucky made a strangled noise and gripped his cup hard, his knuckles turning white, and he did his best not to spill it on himself as he tried to swallow properly this time.

He was about to ask why Sam was assuming he was jealous when the object of their banter approached, shy smiles on their faces.

Bucky’s heart started pounding way too hard in his chest, shortening his breath, and he closed his eyes, bracing himself.

« Hi Buck ».

The low voice made Bucky’s eyes shut tight before he forced them open, his mind sharply awake, and he couldn’t help but rake them over his so long missed friend.

Who’s terrible choice of clothing had only worsened in the time they were apart, and what he saw made him choke on his own words as he tried to return the blond’s salute.

The taller man was wearing a simple and plain long sleeved T-shirt. A fucking white T-shirt. The fabric was thin and worn out a bit. Of course it was. And it did nothing to hide the incredible mass of his Greek god defined chest.

Bucky fought the urge to look down and decided to go up instead, and regretted doing so as he noticed the golden hair were slightly tousled.

Bucky’s heart missed a few beat as this sight reminded him how Steve would away get nervous about anything and unconsciously make a mess of his own hair while trying to calm down.

He wondered what was the reason for his nervous breakdown tonight and bit his lips, trying to ignore how Steve always managed to look both adorable and ridiculously hot all at once.

After what he hoped wasn’t as long a moment as he felt had passed, he finally got to his feet and clenched the back of his booth reflexively, to ground him as he was hit by Steve’s scent, making his stomach churn familiarly.

He hugged Steve shyly, and gasped when he felt strong arms returning tightly his embrace.

The back of his neck tingled as he heard Steve’s let out a happy little laugh against his neck, and Bucky tried very hard not to lean into the touch as Steve let his left hand, big and warm, rest on his shoulder.

Bucky lost himself into Steve’s incredibly blue eyes, the blond smiling at him again, and felt his own lips turn up, a motion fueled by a force that wasn’t his own, a force he couldn’t fight. 

He hoped he didn’t look too obvious then, this rare and private, genuine smile of his only provoked by the contagious one of the soldier in front of him.

Sam cleared his throat loudly in outrage and stood up as well, crossing his arms in an attempt to show his offense, but biting back a giddy grin at the sight of his favorite captain.

Steve turned his head and nodded to him fondly.

He let go of Bucky who immediately felt cold and hollow, and crossed his arms over is aching chest.

He forced himself to remain silent, his own frustration piling up in the back of his throat, threatening to burst in the open.

« Hi to you too, Sam. It’s been a while! How are you guys doing? », Steve smiled gently, his piercing eyes shining with mirth at the sight of his childhood friends.

If it wasn’t for Sam’s sudden embrace of Steve, one that made Bucky feel a pang of jealousy for - that he regretted immediately because it was silly really, to be physically affected by the very sight of something as casual as his best friends hugging - Bucky would have completely forgotten they weren’t alone in the world.

But the motion brought the girl accompanying Steve back into his vision field, and he avoided her eyes, standing awkwardly still.

Steve and Sam splitted, big smiles lightening up their faces as Steve looked from Nat to them, his hands fidgeting with the hem of his T-shirt, and Bucky was aching already with the mixed joy and hurt Steve’s obvious happiness brought him.

They hadn’t seen each other in over a year, and instantly being together again felt like they never were apart. 

Like home. 

Bucky’s heart squeezed at the thought. 

The thought that Steve was really here, that punk was next to him, in the flesh, and it came back to him now.

That he was doing a ridiculously dangerous job that could cost him his life. 

Bucky knew it all too well as he had himself nearly lost his doing it. 

And the guy was standing in that gloom old café like he had all the time in the world, when he really had not. 

Bucky hadn’t either, and was done waiting, he wanted to hug the bastard again, but this time with confidence, and until exhaustion, he wanted to feel the reality of him under his palms, and - 

« Guys, this is Nat. We met at work ».

Bucky’s stare snapped away from Steve to the painfully beautiful girl he hated already and he extended his hand gingerly and to shake hers. 

The readhead - Nat- had tiny hands but her handshake was surprisingly strong, and Bucky was reminded she was probably higher ranked than he ever was, so he better behave, for his own sake. 

She nodded a curt but nice salute, staring at Bucky with briefs shots of green eyes, interest clear in her gaze even though she tried to hide it.

She then proceded to engage in a conversation with Sam about his work, sitting next to him. 

Bucky sat back as well, watching Steve as he excused himself before going to the bar to order drinks for Nat and himself.

His eyes followed the soldier’s shape eagerly but he remembered he wasn’t alone and drifted his focus on his table neighbors, who were lost into an animated talk he tried to pay attention to.

Sam was explaining what his own work consisted of, and Nat listened attentively. Bucky noticed that didn’t mention hers, which wasn’t surprising considering secret agents were supposed to remain... secret.

Sam and Bucky knew Steve was working for a military part of the government, and didn’t ask more than what was needed, which was essentially making him promise he’d be careful not to die on a mission otherwise he’d be brought back and given a terrible ending by his two best friends for revenge.

Bucky missed Steve as they didn’t get to see him as often as when they were roommates at university. 

But he was also partly glad not to be around him that much anymore, because all he can remember of his school years isn’t the studies except that of Steve’s blossoming beauty, in and out. 

And the bitter taste in is throat, still there after years and years, of frustration running his heart and soul thin, was the only tangible memory of it.

One he wished he could wipe away but only came back stronger, when life felt like laughing at him and put Steve in his sight.

Over the years he had come to terms with the fact that Steve would remain his friend, neither a simple acquaintance he could try to ignore, not a ... lover.

He knew that Steve had a life of his own, and that he’d never get more than what he had in his most secret dreams. 

He was so over it. 

Wasting years of pining when there is a whole world waiting for you. 

Who does that. 

Everyone’s above that, even him.

Or so he thought, but of course all these hopes of getting over it where crushed harder every single time his and Steve’s paths joined again. 

Like tonight. 

When Bucky had had the brilliant idea to knock down a couple of shots, a beer and a whisky before his now freezing coffee. 

He suddenly felt the need to call it a night as he caught the look Nat send Steve’s way, deciding he couldn’t bear their little charade any longer, especially in his current state, and was about to stand when Steve landed smoothly at his side, interest piqued as he put beers on the table and took Sam’s phone from his hands. 

« What are you guys up to? I want in ». 

Steve dropped his gaze into Bucky’s, an earnest expression on his face.

« It looks fun, and even if it didn’t, I’ve missed you guys too much. I’m on a leave for now, and I was planning to meet you as soon as I could anyway ». 

It took a moment for Bucky to process it all, Steve’s closeness and the fact that he sincerely wanted to spend tim with him - with them, he corrected - warming his heart. 

Considering how little spare time Steve had, it meant an awful lot that he chosed to spend it with his old friends. 

Bucky then remembered Nat’s presence and felt the cold rush of dread running down his throat as he foresaw how things would actually turn. 

Steve and Nat hadn’t even said that they were a couple, but hadn’t denied it either and evidence spoke for itself as they were hanging out together, looked at each other warmly and ‘had met’ at work. Isn’t it how you introduce the person you’re with? By explaining how the two of you met? Not to mention how attractive the both of them were. 

That was it, Steve had finally found someone and Bucky felt gutted at the thought, even though he knew he had to be happy for him. 

Bucky wasn’t the only one making that assumption and he heard Sam exclaiming cheerily « Uh Steve, I doubt miss Nat over here » he blinked at her, which made her laugh shyly. 

Bucky looked from the two of them, who were sitting quite close and next to each other and god their thighs are going to touch what’s wrong with them, isn’t she with Steve - 

« ...would really appreciate you coming to that kind of event » Sam scoffed, putting a hand before his mouth as if he restrained himself from spilling too much tea. 

Bucky knew him damn two well and recognized it at feigned apprehension, designed to pique people’s curiosity. 

It worked instantly on Nat who turned to Steve, then to Sam. 

‘Oh really now? I’m listening. Maybe I’ll want to join too, you know’. 

Her face showed no emotion as she spoke, if not for her eyes that glowed in the dim light of their booth, as the sun was almost done setting. 

She twitched nervously her lips as she waited for Sam to go on, casting another few glances at him. 

Bucky would have admitted to find this adorable if he wasn’t himself so torn between this is so weird and embarrassing and isn’t she with Steve though? 

What the hell is happening. 

He turned his face to Steve, trying to make sense of it all and expecting the blond’s reaction. 

Bucky’s bewilderment only grew further as he realized Steve hadn’t even listened to their banter, as his eyes, hooded and sad, were lost in the observation of the sunset beside Bucky. 

Steve felt he was being watched and met his eyes. 

He seemed to wake up abruptly before widening his eyes comically, and god, was Captain Steven Rogers blushing now? 

Steve cast a confused questioning look at Sam, to the sight of what Nat reached over the table to take his hand. 

« Don’t worry darling, I’m not doing anything without you, you know that », she said playfully. 

A weird timing and reaction, really, Bucky thought. 

He shook the idea away, deciding it was certainly alcohol and his own desperate pining that caused him to imagine things. 

Even though really, it looked like the three people around him had had more booze than he did, because still, they all acted a bit strange. 

Steve, serious as ever, his brows furrowed, squeezed lightly the redhead’s hand. A quick smirk appeared ad the corner of his mouth. 

« Yes pal, spill it out » he said, his voice cracking as he sit straighter in his part of the booth, clearly trying to focus on the party his friends were to attend to. 

Sam’s smile was now threatening to split his whole face in half if he didn’t stop it. 

He remained silent, clearly enjoying the anticipation he had created. 

Steve laughed and turned to Bucky who had buried his face into his coffee cup, in a desperate attempt to escape momentarily what was one of the most awkward nights he had had in a while. 

« What about you, buddy? Care to share with the rest of the class? » He flashed the brunette his most dorky smile and let go of Nat’s hand, crossing his horribly defined muscled arms on his broad chest, and angling himself toward him as to emphasize the fact that he had him cornered, literally. 

Bucky tried to ignore how... turned on he was getting, from the mental image of being, well, actually cornered by Steve. 

He then hoped the betraying rush of blood he felt coming up his cheeks would simply be associated with the usual body’s reaction to ambient warmth and whisky, as he forced his sluggish brains to come up with a decent explanation. 

He cleared his throat, humming slowly to play along with Sam’s teasing. 

Sam looked delighted to see him willing to play, and Bucky snorted. 

Son of a... Wilson was really irresistible, when he had set his mind on fun mode. How could he not joint him in it? 

Bucky’s eyes then dropped to where Steve and Nat had been holding hands only seconds ago, and bitterness washed over him, erasing all mirth from him the way shore would footprints in the sand. 

He blurted out, ‘It’s a date. Of some sort. A party in a club where people wear masks... It sounds silly but hey, I’ve finally let Sam convince me to try to be « social » - he emphasized the word with his right hand fingers, mocking Sam’s previous gesture. 

‘I guess it could be fun’. He forced his lips to turn up and his heart to believe his own words. 

Steve stared at him with an indecipherable look in his eyes. 

He swallowed and searched for his words. 

He didn’t get the time to make a proper sentence as Nat spilled her drink in surprise, face flushed with panic and embarrassment as she apologized for soaking up Bucky’s sleeve and prosthetic hand, and drowning Sam’s phone. 

Sam didn’t even look as pissed off as the was entitled to be. He let out a high pitched - almost - muffled scream at the sight of his phone, but quickly recovered from both shock and embarrassment, when Nat offered to wipe off the liquid with tissues that Steve, ever so providing, had immediately handed her. 

‘I’m so sorry, I’ll buy you a new phone. And you a new... she hesitated, not wanting to put Bucky out of his mind by mentioning what she assumed was a hot topic, ‘I’ll buy you a new shirt? Oh gosh I’m so clumsy sometimes! » she groaned. 

And okay, why was she so likable? It wasn’t fair. It would have been so much easier to just ignore her existence, had she been mean or whatever. 

‘It’s okay really, it happens, it’s actually the second time someone spill a drink over me tonight’ he heard himself say reassuringly. 

Damn. He didn’t know if he was supposed to be angry that the universe kept throwing spikes at him, or proud of himself for not hating on his friend’s girlf- 

Nope. He didn’t even want to say the word, not even in thought. 

Despite Nat’s nice personality, it still hurt like hell. 

‘I think a phone would be a bit much, but you owe me one, girl’ Sam said teasingly, ‘and I’ll let Steve decide what’s best in terms of how you’re gonna repay me. I wouldn’t take a chance at being hit by one of your punches, aouch no, that I wouldn’t advise to anyone. You’re too damn buff man, even Bucky over there looks innocent compared to you’ he backed off, raising his hands defensively. 

Buckys feigned hurt and faked a pout, as Steve snorted and brushed his hand in the air, always self conscious and shy when people complimented him. 

Bucky thought the soldier’s reaction was excruciatingly cute, and had to refrain himself from leaning into the touch when Steve’s hand went to rest on his left thigh, his elbow lightly brushing Bucky’s hipbone. 

‘Smart move, Sam’. 

Nat’s smile was open now as she sat back in her place, leaning backwards with her arms spread at her sides, not unlike Sam’s earlier pose of mischief. 

So Steve, go ahead and name it, what is it I gotta do to make it up to them’ she asked, her gaze intently going from Sam to Bucky, who she then clearly included by pointing at him with her chin. ‘Yeah, you might as well enjoy it too, you deserve it’, and Bucky laughed despite himself. 

She was making it real hard for him not to not grow fond of her. Despite the idea wrenching his heart, he understood why Steve would get along with a girl like this. 

Bucky was clearly frightened now to realize he would be from now on, surrounded by not one but two villains, who clearly lived for other people’s suffering, and ...Steve. 

What did I do to deserve this. 

Steve clasped his hands solemnly. « Well, it’s pretty obvious to me! We are all going to that party, yes you, Sam, you’re included », he said, pointing at his friend’s still lightened phone. 

Sam just opened his mouth and stood there, realized he was unable to argue, and closed it. 

‘Fine, I’ll crash that blind date’ he shrugged, as to fight off the stress of the situation. 

‘I’ve been to one actually, so I have a tactical advantage on all of you, you know’. 

Both Steve and Nat snickered fondly at that. 

Well, fuck. 

Bucky had been terrified that his so called date would turn into a nightmarish double date with Mister and Miss Perfect Over Here. He was sill slightly shaken, but at least Sam’s presence may lift the atmosphere, as they can all forget about him, and focus on Sam’s flirting attempts, once they’ve all come to accept that Bucky, really, isn’t date material.

Yeah, it sounded like a plan. 

He was gonna try, once and for all, officially, with his friends as witnesses - actually oh god of course he wasn’t gonna try anything, he couldn’t even try to have a proper date, with a guy. 

He couldn’t out himself, not that he cared about Nat’s opinion, but Steve’s? 

Steve’s opinion, his friendship, was too precious, there was no way he’d risk that. 

Just like Sam, he was pretty sure Steve wouldn’t even judge him, but you never know. 

Besides, it’s not some random person, it’s Steve, goddamit. 

Now that he knew what coming out to someone he cared about felt like, he decided it was way too exhausting and overwhelming and he couldn’t find it in himself to do that twice the same night. 

Oh god. 

He had to elaborate some back up plan with Sam, as soon as possible. 

He had to fail this date, he decided. 

Then, they’ll just have to admit that Bucky being single was just a part of life, and they may even, if he was lucky, feel embarrassed enough not to try to mention it ever again. 

The idea gave Bucky some twisted comfort, as he pictured himself getting out of this date unharmed, when he was pretty sure that wasn’t the prime intent of people actually going on dates. 

But when had Bucky had ever been lucky, really. 

Especially about love. 

This is a catastrophe, he though, staring into his empty cup of coffee. 

He had lost track of the conversation which, as he strained his ears to get back to it, mostly consisted of Sam and Nat making a list of all of Steve’s old lady mannerism, and of Steve, who looked like he wanted to merge with the couch he was on. 

Feeling Bucky’s eyes on him, he offered him a sheepish smile and shrugged, as if to say « See what I have to deal with now? ». 

Bucky laughed, and put his hands defensively before Steve’s shape, turning his head toward their teenagers of table neighbors, scowling exaggeratingly. 

‘Are you done, guys? Leave him be, besides I don’t know about you Nat, but Sam really has an undying love for cats, soap opera, real housewives tv show, model contests and skin care that I find more « old lady » classified than Steve’s natural good behavior. 

‘Steve’s adorable’, he tired not the panic to the sound of his own words, ‘and you’re definitely not, Wilson. What’s your excuse, pal?’ 

Nat bursted out laughing, as Sam became alarmingly red and looked devastated. 

Satisfied, Bucky turned his head to Steve, and felt stupid as he realized his hands were still hanging in the air between them. 

The brunette cleared his throat. ‘Sorry but I couldn’t let the kids bully you’. 

And that made Steve’s features smooth in a genuine smile, the corner of his eyes crinkling with its momentum. He had seemed rather off all evening, and Bucky’s words almost brought him back to life. His face was now warm with the glow of unaltered joy, as he leaned closer, his eyes closing. 

« You couldn’t help it, uh. Just like in high school. And college. And - 

He stopped, his eyes opening all of a sudden, the words dying in his throat as they both relieved a moment they wished had only been the blur of a nightmare. 

But it was real. 

And strikingly clear, Bucky’s prosthetic arm a visible and constant reminder of the past. 

They didn’t talk much about their time together in the army, especially now that they had all retired after the events. 

There was no time to remember, there was no point, even, Bucky always insisted. 

He had almost died for his friends, and he didn’t regret it any second. He could have lost so much more than an arm. Had already, as not all of them made it out alive. 

He would do it again anytime, if it ensured that at least Steve and Sam went home again. 

Steve looked profoundly defeated now, and didn’t even dare to look up. 

Bucky couldn’t stand the idea of him feeling bad, especially about something he had nothing to be blamed for. 

He squeezed Steve’s arm gently, his hand resting there in a warm touch, as he waited for Steve to meet his eyes again. 

‘Don’t’, he said simply, his voice so low he knew only Steve could hear him. 

Steve shook his head and sipped on the drink has had ordered previously but not touched once since his arrival. 

Bucky motioned to stand. ‘Hey, I need another coffee, can I pass- 

He didn’t have time to aim for his cup, as Steve took it. 

« I’m on it » he said, his eyes questioning Bucky wordlessly. 

Bucky hated that people did things for him, especially since his injury, and Steve knew it damn too well, as he was the one helping him recovering for the first months after his surgery. 

But Bucky knew that Steve’s intent, as always, came from a good place and tonight, he could see on his friend’s face that he was needing this, way more than Bucky needed his own damn coffee. 

‘Thanks’. 

Steve patted his arm as he stood up, and Bucky didn’t even think about being busted, as his eyes dropped naturally down Steve’s firm and perfectly round ass. 

He forgot to breathe when he realized both Sam and Nat had not only stopped talking - and for how long, he had no idea, he had been so lost in Steve that he was now worrying they might have stared at them an listened to them the whole time - but saw, without a doubt, what he just did. 

It was written all over their faces. 

Shit. Think of something to say. Anything. 

‘Hey so uh, what’s up, ladies?’ he tried, his voice hoarse under the weight if his humiliation and he wished for a meteorite to just put him off of his misery. 

Just like Steve and Nat had been before, Sam and Nat both swallowed with difficulty in a very eerie synch, before saying at the same time ‘We were talking about the party’, before looking at each other dumbly and bursting out laughing. 

Good, Bucky thought, these two are so neck deep being besties, they’ve already forgotten about... that. 

Steve returned to his side with two cups of hot black coffee, « Just like you like. I’ve figured one wouldn’t be enough », he said to Bucky while sitting down next to him. 

‘Oh thank god Steve, I could kiss you right now’ he said, feeling very self conscious but daring, and closed his eyes, licking his lips. 

He grabbed one of the cups with both his hands and sniffed at the delicious aroma. ‘Mmmmm’, he moaned outrageously, his voice several octave lower. 

Yup, he didn’t really care that he looked crazy or a bit drunk. 

At this point, his life was a mess already, he might as well enjoy it, he thought, glad he was drinking coffee and not alcohol anymore. 

Meaning he was braver than he thought as he was acting out of his comfort zone, while being almost sober, yay. 

Besides, the night had already been so full of emotion, that he thought another drink would definitely make him sick. 

He opened his eyes to a blushing Steve, and wondered what he had missed, as he saw the knowing look exchanged between him and Nat. 

The readhead seemed sorry - for what, Bucky couldn’t tell - and Steve tired, a small smile not reaching his eyes. 

Bucky regretted his obvious lack of focus tonight, and figured coffees, plurals, were more than welcome, as the night was only beginning.

___________________

Saturday night arrived and with it, the party they had all agreed to go to.

The party, so dreaded by Bucky who was torn between the fun he would always get from hanging out with Sam, and the heartache it would be to see Steve... not alone anymore.

That party was equally weirdly expected by Steve, who had no idea how he would react to Bucky trying to date someone.

He regretted convincing Nat to pretend she was his girlfriend, but was really glad she was there to support him as he was waiting outside the club for Bucky and Sam, who, as the drama queens they both were, were of course fashionably late.

 

____________

Bucky had spent the whole day changing his mind about his outfit, and was still internally cringing hard about how overdressed he felt now, having opted for a suit after Sam threatened to throw him out of their living room window if he did such as remove any of his clothes one more time.

When they got out of their appartment, Sam looked at Bucky up and down exaggeratedly and whistled.

"Hey man, just tell me one thing : how come you've geared up so good tonight? I thought the very idea of going on a date was giving you nightmares, and now here you are, ready to get the jackpot? What happened?", and Bucky stopped in his tracks, shaking his head before looking up to him.

He hadn't slept much last night, trying to process seeing Steve again, when he had just fucking came out to Sam, seeing Steve with a girl, a gorgeous one on top of that...

He had decided to do his best to get a date tonight, he really wanted to get over Steve, and some not so quiet part of his brain couldn't help but think him picking up such a spectacular outfit would do something, even remotely, to Steve.

He had no idea how the night would end, and didn't really want to think about this too much but... Since he already told half of his darkest secrets to Sam yesterday and his reaction was pretty awesome...

Bucky gathered up his courage and looked up, to the stars, before clearing his throat.

"Okay Wilson, I'm only gonna say it once and you should feel honored that I do because I've never said it to anyone but...

Shit".

Sam didn't want to press his friend, as he knew now damn well how important some of his speeches could be. 

Though he couldn't exactly picture something more astounding than yesterday's revelation.

He was proven wrong in seconds.

Bucky's words came muffled by the gloved hand he had put before his mouth, but Sam was positive he heard right.

But because what he had just heard was too awesome to not be teased about, and because he was a damn proud asshole anyway, he decided to mess with Bucky just a little bit.

"Come again, bro?"

Bucky's face turned maroon as he put his hand off his mouth and said, exasperated, "I'm in love with Steve. Steve who's an even bigger asshat than you now, cause he just breaks my heart with his annoyingly kind and gorgeous girlfriend, and I'm desperate Sam, I wanna move on, I feel pathetic".

Sam abandonned all pretenses of mockery and stepped forward, crushing his roomate with a hug that was fiercely returned.

"I promise you're gonna spend a good night. Okay? We both will.

Hey since we're telling each other big news...

It's not the same, and I feel like a douche for even saying it but...

I can't help but be sad Nat is taken".

Now it was Bucky's turn to whistle, and Sam looked down apologetically.

"I do, dude. I swear, I've only met her yesterday but...

And I love Steve so much... though not clearly the same way you do", and he laughed when Bucky punched him in the arm.

"But okay, let's be polite with them and when you can't handle them anymore I'll agree to hate on them with you, from afar. How about that?", and Bucky hugged him again. 

Bucky really didn't want to cry tonight, and broke the solemnity of their embrace with a snarky "Yeah, I could tell by the way you looked at her all night like a starving puppy", that earned him a slap on the head by Sam, light but enough to mess with his hair.

"Hey, don't ruin my efforts dude, I only make some every ten years", Bucky joked as he tried to get his ponytail right again, something he was still getting used to do with his prosthetic hand.

"Oh don't worry princess, nobody's gonna complain about your hair, lemme tell you that", and Bucky rolled his eyes, leaving his hair alone, before they resumed their walk to the club.

______________

"Thanks Nat, for being here. But I'm afraid I might have to break up with you if I ever get the courage to be brave for once", Steve laughed and Nat hugged him tight, smiling.

"I've never felt so happy to be dumped", and Steve snorted loudly, biting his fingers nervously, his breath hitching as he saw from afar their friends coming over.

Anxiety knocked his breath away, and Nat took his hand reflexively, only to let go of it, cursing.

"Sorry, I have to support you without touching you I guess. I heard it's bad to keep in touch with exes", and that managed to ease a bit of Steve's incoming panic attack.

"Oh gosh, Steve, he has a suit. A suit. With... Is that a bowtie? Oh my, hang on Steve, you'll survive tonight, I promise. Remember to breathe, okay?", she turned to him and really worried her friend would faint from the strained look on his face, and she punched him hard in the ribs, which made him take a sharp breath, as if he had been shot with adrenaline.

After a moment of stunned silence, Nat heard Steve trying to clear his throat and snickered.

She was about to tease him some more but was silenced by the blond's pointing finger.

"Hey, be gentle, Nat, or I'll tell Sam you like him", he managed to mutter and Nat's look of panic grounded him a bit.

He didn't even hear Bucky approach them and startled when he felt his hand on his shoulder.

The sight of Bucky in this outfit, up close, smiling at him, was making him forget how to speak.

Bucky eyed him questioningly, eyebrows raised in surprise and mocked concern.

"Hey Stevie, are you okay"?

Steve flet his face flush and the urge to hide it with his face, as he always did when he couldn't contain his excitement.

He literally adored when Bucky called him that, and couldn't remember if it was because of the little smile he could always hear in Bucky's voice when he did so, or because nobody else called him that ... and even better, Steve had noticed that Bucky didn't do that with anyone else's name.

He sure called Sam by many different nicknames but never something as intimate and simply adorable as Sammy, and Steve knew he was way too much in love with Bucky that it was legally allowed for being so happy over such a trivial thing.

Steve knew he was reading it all too much and that Bucky was just used to call him that, and that it probably didn't mean as much as Steve wished it would, but his heart tripped to the side of his ribcage and the motion sent pleasure down his spine.

A pleasure he really shouldn't be getting right now as it was clearly neither the time nor the space, and that the object of it was standing just in front of him.

Steve swallowed and gathered all his brain cells into an exhausting teamwork to flash Bucky a calm and convincing smile, nodding and wording a high pinched "Yeah", before coughing and thanked Sam from the bottom of his heart as the man hugged him shamelessly, offering a more than welcome distraction from whatever embarassing moment was floating between him and Bucky.

When Sam let go of him, Steve saw Bucky's eyes were still on him and stared back for maybe a few seconds too long before turning his head away, and his eyes went to Nat was trying to repress a smile.

She grabbed the three of them with astonishing strength and ushered them inside, claiming they all needed a drink to get this party really started.

\-----------------------

Bucky...

Bucky had just been flirted with.

By a guy.

And he hadn’t even flinched and left with said guy.

Steve’s brain was trying to process this.

It surely had been the longest ten minutes of his life.

And his mind still wasn’t sure if it could figure and handle what it had just witnessed.

Now Bucky was accross the whole club, and Steve was feeling even more far away from everything.

He was standing still, torn in half with the giddy feeling that oh my god Bucky likes guys and the crushing pain of oh no he does but doesn’t care about me that way otherwise I’d known about it for ages now and what I am suppose to do know why did I ask Nat to pretend to be with me how could I not know about Buck why am I still here is that guy touching Buck -

« Steve, hey, breathe », he heard Nat’s calming voice cutting through his crazy thoughts, and looked over her, his face drained from all blood.

« Nat. Bucky. Uh? » yeah, his brain was fried for good.

« Oh no, Sam, come over here" she cried out, laugh clear in her voice, "your Steve is broken and I don’t have the toolbox » to what Sam smiled at them softly and Steve produced a curious little sound that was caught between a sob and an exclamation of pain.

Sam came over them and saw the shock written on Steve’s features. He put a hand on Steve's shoulder, Steve who didn't move an inch, not even his head.

« Oh. You didn’t see that one coming uh? Yeah, me neither but I had a bit of advance on you guys on that one. » he saw Steve couldn’t speak or react more than just look at him with wide eyes and Sam felt bad for him.

« Listen Steve, I'm gonna order our drinks then I’ll be right back. Okay? Just, hang on. I leave you to Nat, so you’re gonna be okay », he eyed her fondly and looked back at Steve who nodded machinately to him.

Out of the blue, Steve’s mind drifted to his friends and his chest stopped hurting as he was finding his voice again.

He remained quiet as he saw the look that Nat and Sam shared, full with interest and anticipation and nervousness, and sighed contentedly, a knowing smile on his lips.

He waited for Sam to go and order their drinks to approach Nat.

He hunched himself so he could whisper in her ear, bending dramatically since he was really tall and she was adorably small, a detail Steve learned to never joke about. Ever again.

His jaws hurt a bit when he was reminded of how reckless and naive he was toward Nat last year.

That woman was as scary as she could be nice.

Better not to cross her, but tonight Steve couldn't resist the temptation to mess with her.

"Do you want me to let you and Dr Wilson alone for a private consultation? », and Nat became instantly red, something Steve had never seen happen, and Nat didn’t even have any alcohol yet.

« Hoho, you’re having it bad », he laughed as Nat was waving her hands frantically for him to shut up, dreading Sam would hear him.

« Okay Rogers, I admit it, fine » she dropped her hands dramatically to her side in a gesture of surrender.

Steve worded an exaggerated but whispered « I knew it! » and laughed harder as he saw her trying to frown but failing.

« Oh you’re laughing now uh? You weren’t even breathing five minutes ago so chill, man! You can go now, please? I was worried about you but I can tell you’re feeling a whole lot better all of a sudden! »

Steve was still laughing but was out of breath and gestured for her to stop talking, but she went on, savage as she was.

« I suggest you enjoy your good health away from me, and close to a very hot looking guy, who by the way is being chased by everyone tonight, so you better hurry up! » she spatted seriously, but laughed when she saw the dopey smile Steve was wearing, and she hit him in the arm.

« I’m not the only one who’s head over heels for someone so, go, tiger, you have a mission of your own » Nat whispered and hope Sam didn’t hear any of that.

« Yes, oh you’re right. He’s being flirted with by some boring lame... other guys... so why wouldn’t I? »

His eyes sparkled and he looked at Nat with a giddy expression that made her feel all of a sudden over protective of him.

«Yeah why wouldn’t you! Go! But don’t do anything too stupid okay?", and Steve rolled his eyes but nodded, to both her and Sam who held him out two shots.

« Before you go doing god knows what, please have a drink with us. It’s one of the rules tonight : we’re all in this together, and none of us is getting out of here sober ».

Steve agreed, downing the two shots of vodka and regretting it instantly, and stole Nat’s beer to forget about that awful taste.

Nat protested and batted her arms in his direction, and he only got to sip once before being forced to hand her back her drink before he would drop it.

« Okay, I’m gonna see where Bucky settled himself », he said cheerfully and tried to remain calmed when everything in him screamed to just get out of here and face his feelings another day.

He walked for about one meter and stopped in his tracks as he spotted the brunette who was talking with a new guy.

Jealousy made him curl his hands into fists and he clenched his jaw, only to find himself overreacting and ashamed for it.

He didn't get to be like that.

Buck and him were friends, that's all, and they were both adults, he could do as he pleased.

Even more, Steve should be supportive of him as he just outed himself, something he didn't think he could manage to do the way Bucky did.

He felt like a coward in comparison to the brunette and was brought back to darker memories of the fields and how Bucky's courage had always saved everyone at the expense of his own safety.

Steve forced himself to calm down as he though tonight was, if anything, about Bucky's happiness.

He regretted bitterly not having known all these years about him, about him... feeling that way toward people.

Maybe if he had, things would be different today.

How could I not know about it?

And Bucky didn't feel like sharing it with me...

He didn't trust me enough...

Well... technically, he did, tonight... so...

I wonder what changed his mind...

Whatever it was, it's a good thing that it did.

But still, it's been so long...

After all this time, Steve thought sadly, he still didn't know him the way he wished he could.

There's so much he'd like to know about him... He'll never get enough of learning to know him. More, always more. In every way possible.

But now it was too late, he was out there with someone else, Steve had missed his shot.

No actually, he never had any. Buck must know by now, he must have guessed that he...

And he didn't do anything about it.

Bucky didn't even react with any heat toward Nat, so he apparently didn't mind Steve to be taken.

And tonight, he...

He left with another guy... That says it all.

What was Steve supposed to do now...

Steve tried to shift his focus back on what was happening in front of him rather than in his messy head.

He felt a pang of hope in his chest as apparently things weren’t going anywhere, especially as Bucky met Steve’s eyes again and a few seconds later, he parted ways with the guy who had offered him a drink, and headed for the bathroom in a rush.

Steve still couldn’t force his body to cooperate as he was eaten up by anxiety.

Sam approached him, concerned to see Steve stand still for so long for apparently no reason.

Nat hadn’t tell him anything about Steve’s feeling for Bucky, considering it was not her secret to tell.

« Wow, so you’re not over it... are you gonna be okay, dude? Do you wanna talk about it? », he asked Steve, and the blond stopped staring at whoever he was looking for and looked at him with an anguished expression on his face.

« Sam, I uh... I have to tell you, I... », Steve felt his throat squeeze with fear but Nat encouraged him silently and he gathered his courage to go on.

But Sam beat him to it.

He had just noticed who exactly Steve seemed to be looking after, and his eyes went to him from Nat, who didn’t look jealous but worried about the blond, and when she met Sam’s eyes, he realized she was anticipating something.

He turned back to Steve, who had managed to set his focus back on him though his face was pink all over, and a crazy idea crossed his mind.

He held back the giddy laugh he felt bubbling inside his chest and jumped on Steve as he was about to finally say something.

« Cut the check.

You have to be kidding me, dude.

Don’t tell me my stupid roommate is the reason you’re shitting yourself right now!? Is he? ».

Steve’s face turned away, and then back to him at a speed that surely wasn’t healthy, and he looked once again startruck.

Sam chuckled and looked at Nat « Did I make him reboot his system or something? », to what Nat snickered and tickled Steve who didn’t even react.

Sam was really starting to worry and added, to clear things up for Steve who looked like he had been abducted by aliens and brought back right away without a memory swipe,

« That’s it. That’s why your so weird all of a sudden. It’s dear old James’s fault.  
James mofo Buchanan. Right? »

Finally Steve went back to earth at the sound of that, and closed his eyes, shaking his head. 

He then snapped back to Sam and after a moment of hesitation, nodded and burst out laughing while Nat asked « Who’s James Buchanan? », looking lost, and Sam added « Please don’t ever tell him I called him like that, he’d kill me in my sleep », and soon Nat figured it out and joined Steve.

Steve managed to breathe again and to look serious for a brief moment.

He closed his eyes and simply said «Yes, Sam, I’m in love with Bucky ».

He laughed again, surprised he had managed to say it out loud, and instinctively hid his face in his hands.

Nat was reminded of the first time he spoke to her about Bucky and she let out an audible « Awww », that was quickly echoed by Sam’s own, to Steve’s surprise.

« Dude, for years I had no idea you were feeling that way about him. But the way you looked at him when he left with that guy? 

I still wasn't sure though, because you two", and he pointed between Steve and Nat, "You guys almost fooled me. I thought you were... », he looked over to Nat, who just blinked at him sinfully.

Sam almost dropped his drink and fought the urge to shriek like a little girl.

He cleared his throat and decided it was easier to focus back on Steve instead.

« It’s so obvious now, and you’re jealous like crazy!

If you’re weren’t my bro I’d be laughing at you now".

Steve sent him a withering glare, something he almost never did, and Sam was reminded of his former Captain in a hearbeat.

His voice climbed an awful lot of octaves when he spoke again.

But I’m not, I swear I’m not ».

He put his hands before him defensively as he went on.

Steve shook his head laughed loudly, always thankful for Sam's hilarious expressions grounding him when he felt like losing it.

Sam laughed too but was actually sweating from Steve's frightening glare, that he was now trying to wipe off his memory.

When his heart rate went back to normal, he went on, carried away by the thought that Bucky may not be pinning in vain after all.

« I’m not shocked, though.

The more I think about it... the more sense it makes », Sam smiled, and Steve tried to fight his own smile but failed and felt his cheeks and ears burning nicely.

Nat put a hand on each of them and told them she’d be right back and headed for the bathroom.

Sam and Steve nodded to her and looked back at each other, whispering as if they feared Bucky would jump on them.

« Steve, you can't stay like this... Literally, you should move at some point, you'll get bad circulation".

Steve snorted and moved his feet gingerly, sending his middle finger to Sam when the latter laughed at his bizarre motions.

Sam calmed down and looked serious again.

"Really, if it's eating you up so bad... You should tell him.

You deserve to know what he feels about you, and he does too, so... you should sort this out... no matter the outcome.

I’m pretty sure things will go well.

And even if... He’s never gonna stop being your friend anyway”.

Sam felt like he might have said something wrong when he saw Steve's conflicted face.

« Hey, you know what, here."

He fumbled into his pocket and extended his hand to Steve.

"Take my keys.

Go to our place when you're done tonight.

Tell him.

Why you would wait any longer, uh?

Besides, something tells me he’s gonna go home sooner than me”, Sam added with a coy smile, his eyes half lided and crinkling with mirth as he saw Nat approaching again.

He hadn’t realized the way he was looking at her before he heard Steve clear his throat, brow furrowed and his arms crossing over his immense torso.

Sam panicked and turned to him comically slowly, afraid Steve would turn full Terminator on him for ogling Nat that way.

He searched for his words, mouth slightly opened, and frowned.

Steve cut him not unkindly and his whole serious face broke into a big smile.

“Hey, breathe, I'm kidding. Just... take care of her. She’s really one of the best person I know. You guys are cute », he smiled and snickered as he saw Nat coming behind Sam and pointing at him with wiggling eyebrows.

She was bitting the insides of her cheek but her face broke into a huge giddy smile anyway.

“Thanks for the keys, I uh.... I’ll do as you say. I just hope he doesn’t”, but stopped as the lump in his throat was so heavy he couldn’t speak anymore.

“Its selfish but... I hope he gets home alone...”, he sighed, looking down and putting his right hand on his forehead, resting it there in a tired gesture or despair.

“Don’t worry bout that, he’s never bothered me bringing a lady home...or a guy, now that we know it’s an option. No one ever”.

Sam saw Steve look up, a flash of hope passing on his frowned features, immediately replaced by one of confusion.

“I thought you said he was a killer with the ladies..” his eyes drifted in the distance before setting back on Sam’s, silently questioning him.

He looked utterly lost but hoping, innocent, like a child.

Once again, it struck Sam how bad Steve was hung on Bucky, and it made him feel seriously happy too, as he knew his feelings were returned, but reminded himself he had to fight the urge to tell him the truth that was not his to tell.

He cleared his throat and scratched the back of his head, clearly uncomfortable.

He decided to go for some of the truth anyway.

« Well about that... that’s me he’s killing more than anything”.

He chuckled, and Steve’s frowns deepens, threatening to get his face stuck permanently in a suffering expression.

Sam rushed to explain, talking with his hands without even realizing it, desperate to make Steve feel better.

“Yeah... Bastard has success, and trust me that’s a huge understatement.

« He gets his number asked wherever he goes, I swear it’s pretty ridiculous and even feels like a prank sometimes.

« But... he’s never given it”, he said, voice dropping with seriousness, and finally Steve’s knotted face started to smother. 

“Dude’s a mystery, I swear”, Sam said softly, searching Steve’s eyes.

Steve, lost in thoughts for a moment, then met his stare and simply said “oh”, realization setting on his face.

Sam felt Steve deserved more than that.

He couldn’t be stopped now.

“And I could, from the way I see it, say that he’s too self conscious about.. you know... But...”,

Sam gestured to his arm and Steve looked suddenly as hurt as before, blurting out “I hope not”, to which Sam nodded “yeah... that’d be so silly, it doesn't change anything about him". Steve's frowned deepened as he added "He's still amazing. He's still Bucky”...

Steve stayed quiet as they both wracked their brains about how they could ever help their friend.

After a moment, Steve remembered there was a 'but' in Sam's sentence and eyed him intently, lifting one eyebrow in a silent request for Sam to go on.

« But.. but what? You don’t seem sure about that... what do you really think this is about?”, his big blue eyes deceiving his concern.

Sam struggled to find the right words again, and sighed.

« I think you should ask him about that yourself, buddy.

You've known him a lot more than I have.

Barnes and I are really close, and we get along like brothers but...

It's not the same at whatever's between you and him".

Sam looked up to Steve and saw his cheeks were flushed again, but his eyes looked afraid and he was biting his lips nervously.

He was listenning eagerly, hopeful and fearful all at once, and Sam felt like he had to reassure his friend best he could.

Without spilling too much, because Barnes would have his head if he did, and Sam would be okay with that, really, because losing whatever hold he could ever have on his love for Steve and how he'd get to handle it was the last thing Sam would want for him.

But Steve and Bucky were clearly head over heels for each other.

Just as much as they were oblivious to it.

Without any outside help, Sam felt like these two would never dare get together...

And Sam wouldn't let them be miserable.

They were his best friends in the world and they really, really both deserved to be happy.

Sam could feel Steve's anxiety coming off in waves from where he was standing, his usually impressive height and silhouette diminished under the weight of his heartache.

"I'll tell you what...

You guys always felt like... I don't know. Like you had some kind of special rules applying to each other.

I can't believe I didn't make the connection sooner".

Sam immedialty felt bad for the way Steve's eyebrow shot up and his mouth opened in surprise.

He clearly had said too much this time. He quickly tried to correct his mistake.

"I mean, about you feeling that way toward him.

I can't tell you what's going on in the bastard's head, though, but... I don't know.

You two remind me of me and Riley, even if things weren't like that between us.

Only him can tell you what he really feels.

And for the choice he made to remain single... if he were to feel like sharing something that serious with someone, my money's on you, anytime».

Steve nodded absently, and smiled shyly.

“Yeah, I... I’ll think about it. See you later?”, but then smirked and added, lifting his eyebrows, his eyes narrowed in a playful manner, “or not?” and left, chuckling.

Sam turned around and turn speechless as Nat held out her hand to him in an invitation to follow her.

Sam smiled to her, and him and Nat turned back to salute Steve, both eyeing him knowingly with a nod of reassurance.

_________

At first, everything was going well, Bucky thought.

At least he thought it was going well according to his friends standards : Steve and Nat were having fun with each other, talking about god knows what...

Sam was with them and Bucky couldn't help but feel bad for him being the third wheel, even though his friend was actually smiling constantly since their arrival.

Bucky really couldn't figure out why but only hoped his happiness was truely felt. This way, tonight wouldn't be a complete failure.

Even Bucky had been flirted with.

They were all five minutes in when a cute looking guy, dark hair and eyes behind a venitian mask came over to Bucky and handed him a shot of vodka, holding another and gesturing to cheer with him.

Bucky had felt the urge run away as far as he could, both because he hated being the center of attention and because, for fuck’s sake, he hated even more for people to know he was into guys, but he had looked over Nat and Steve and felt fed up with wasting his time.

So yeah, from there.

Whatever.

He hadn’t denied any of the flirting aimed at him and smiled at the guy, then at his friends, and even had managed to sound cheerful when he said « And that’s my cue to leave, losers », laughing at the face they were all making and leaving them on spot, heart hammering and brain bursting with a million doubts as he did so.

He had done it.

He had outed himself.

Partly, somehow.

Once again, he though, he had done it without saying anything.

But Steve was there this time.

Steve had seen him go further in the club with that guy, and that guy was cute, he was.

Bucky was flattered, and he was kind of giddy with the afterthought of what he had just done, and the adrenaline made him dizzy enough to go and try, something.

He was about to accept the drink that guy was handing him but as he reached forward, he caught a glimpse of Steve in the corner of his eyes, and felt afraid and hurt all over again.

The brunette swallowed hard and forced his eyes to focus on the guy in front of him, who was waiting for a reaction Bucky couldn't provide him with.

He thought about what he could say to decline the drink, and the overal promise behind flirting without being to harsh, only to see him look from Steve to him and nod with knowing eyes.

« Complicated much », the guy chuckled kindly, before handing once again the shot to Bucky, nodding to him as to assure him he was inviting him without any further intent.

Bucky accepted the shot and cheered with him, nodding too, bitterly, his heart breaking because he knew there was no other guy that would ever make him forget about Steve, no matter how nice he would be.

And no matter how out of reach Steve was, standing close to Nat, smiling, laughing, blushing...

Nat who was so despicably gentle, and funny, and smart...

The stranger took his silent and broody expression for a need of another drink, that Bucky accepted eagerly, though he decided to pay for this one.

His heartache was no excuse to turn into a complete asshole.

Bucky felt anger clench his throat and lost control a bit, his hand shaking, and spilled his shot on his jeans.

He groaned and excused himself toward the partygoer who eyed him worryingly, before hurrying to the bathroom.

He washed his sticky hand and tried to save the fabric that got damped with alcohol.

He looked up to his tired reflection, splashed cold water over his face, and decided to head for the bar again, to drown his sorrow, as he apparently was unable to flirt with anyone, ever.

He was approached not long after by a really cute looking guy with pale blue eyes.

« Hi, handsome. I’m Scott. And you are? »

Bucky accepted the glass without looking at it and smiled, and considered actually making an effort instead of sabotaging the whole evening.

He had no intention to find anyone, ever, but he had to admit this guy was attractive and didn’t seem like a douche.

« Hi, I’m uh Bucky. Sorry I don’t like Champaign, I’m more of a whisky or beer person », he answered awkwardly and was relieved when Scott didn’t laugh at him.

« All good, lets go the bar and change that then », he smiled and Bucky followed him, nodding over to Steve and Nat who apparently hadn’t moved at all since their arrival.

Sam had gone order drinks for themselves as well.

Nat looked slightly worried when she saw him with Scott but didn’t seem surprised.

She turned to Steve with concern on her face.

Bucky looked over to him as well, and didn’t know what to understand.

Steve looked shocked, for real, like caught-in-a-car-accident-shocked, but Bucky couldn’t tell if he was disgusted or simply hadn’t seen this coming.

Either way, he was feeling completely out of place and decided to end things shortly with Scott.

It was pointless anyways.

Bucky was a least a bit proud of himself for not hiding, even from Steve... which had scared him for so long, and from the look of it Steve didn’t seem to want to mock or despise him for it.

Even though, Bucky didn't have a watch but knew he had left them a while ago now, and Steve was frozen in his tracks, and looked like he was having an attack, but Bucky figured it might as well be because of whatever Nat was telling him. 

A bitter thought occurred to him and it hurt him so much he had to turn away from them.

What if Nat was telling him all of the dirty things she was planning on doing tonight?

When Scott came back with a whisky, Bucky thanked him and drank all of it at once, earning him a wide eyed stare from the other guy.

He didn’t seem judging, just... surprised and trying to understand what was going wrong so soon.

« Nothing, it’s just uh... », Bucky searched for his words and didn’t even realize he was looking at Steve again before he heard Scott sigh and says « ah, there’s another guy involved, right? » but there was no heat in his voice.

Bucky felt sorry for him and didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t make him sound like the dick he was being anyway.

« Is it that obvious? », he asked, sad and genuinely concerned that everyone could see how he felt about Steve, and not Steve himself.

Or maybe even Steve knew, and he just didn’t care.

Just when you think you’re mood can’t get worse...

« A bit, yeah, sorry », Scott laughed softly, and Bucky did too.

« No man, I’m the one who’s sorry.

I’m not... I don't to that. Go out. And... I'm not... dating material. I shouldn’t even be here".

Who am I kiding, anyway?

I'm not going anywhere with all this.

I'm not doing anything I'd want to, I can't, Steve is...

I should go.

He ended his drinks with him before deciding to politely part ways.

Before he left, his eyes landed once more on Steve and he saw him whispering to Nat’s ear something that made colors burst on her face.

Bucky couldn’t help but turn his hands into fists and squeezed his drink so hard it broke into his left hand.

Scott jumped in surprise and looked a bit terrified by Bucky, who immediately apologized and ran off to the bathroom, again, this time fighting the urge to cry.

Seeing Steve flirting, and now having someone looking at him the way that guy just did...

Bucky decided he’d hit the bar until his head hurt more than his heart and then he’d call it a night.

The others could have fun without him, and we’re already doing it anyway.

He was approached by a tall, slim, and genuinely pretty girl with glitters in her black and white hair, who smiled at him when she saw him drinking alone and asked him she could join him.

« Sure, knock yourself out », he drawled, his voice already slurred by whisky.

He panicked at bit at the idea the girl would interpret this as flirting, and added awkwardly « Uhm just so know you’re very cute and all but I’m gay, like a 100% ».

The last thing he needed was for someone to think by default that he was straight, because that fucking idea was running thin his already almost nonexistent patience tonight.

Besides, it felt actually awesome to say that out loud.

The girl had smiled and said « It’s alright sweetie, so am I.

I guess my gaydar is still fully operational, even to find friends », and that owned her a genuine laugh from Bucky. His first sincere one of the night, he tought sadly.

He extended her his right hand. « I’m Bucky ».

She shook it, her own hand strong. « Shuri ».

She ordered three beers, two for her and one for Bucky, and Bucky liked both her wit and her taste in alcohol already.

« So Bucky, why would a hot guy like you, and I mean, really really hot, even from my lesbian wise point of view, find himself drinking alone at such a fun party? », she asked, and waited for his answer patiently with her head resting on her fist.

Bucky felt suddenly shy to have someone else’s full attention, but not in a flirting way.

It was a nice feeling.

« Well, I didn’t even want to be here in the first place.

You say this is fun », he gestured vaguely to the people around them, all dancing and drinking, chatting loudly and laughing.

His wrist felt heavy and his movement was slow and vague.

« But for me this is a nightmare. I’m not doing well with crowds, first of all, and... and this music? Isn’t even music for me », and Shuri laughed, a real, loud laugh, and she probably didn’t even like that music either, he thought.

« I mean seriously, is that music to you? », he asked, laughing.

« Well I guess technically it is, but I’m more of an actual music, classic rock person ».

Bucky shrieked and slammed his right hand on the bar, « Awesome. You’re officially eligible to be my friend, Shuri, just so you know ».

She laughed even more and rolled her eyes « You sound like a brat, but the kind of brat I am myself so, yeah, I might be interested for the job », she clasped her hand and lifted her first beer to cheer with Bucky and they did once again.

« But go on, you don’t look just pissed off by the party. You look like some guy just dumped you. Really, why did you come here? », and she seemed really nice so even if it pained Bucky to talk about all this, he wanted to, and also felt he could share this with Shuri and actually be listened to.

« My friends forced me to do it. It was... honestly I don’t even know what it was.

They didn’t know why I’ve remained single all this time so they were worried about me and I lost patience and accepted to go out just once...

On principle, and I wanted to fail my attempts at flirting, on purpose so they’d leave me alone... But... »

Bucky dropped his eyes to his empty whisky glass and looked at Shuri, his face torn.

He was having a big impression of deja vu, and his whole life felt like a lonely party, he felt stuck in a loop of desperation and complaining.

He cleared his throat and resolved to get this over with soon.

He didn’t want her pity, he wanted to have fun.

« But you know what... it didn’t work.

The flirting.

And not because I failed it on purpose. Nah... » he gestured to the beer Shuri had bought him and she rolled it over to him, snickering as she could see he was already tipsy.

« I’m... in love with one of them.

One of my friends.

And », he laughed again, had spent the whole night laughing and wondered if he even knew what that meant anymore.

« This guy, he’s one of my best friends.

Yeah, it sounds stupid, right?

I’ve known him like, forever.

And I’ve loved him just as long.

And this guy... he has no clue.

He came here with his girlfriend anyways... I’m dumb, uh?

Falling in love with a straight dude, is that still allowed these days, isn’t it too cliché? », and when he looked at Shuri she was eyeing him fondly, shaking her head.

« Aw Man, we’ve all been there.

I feel for you.

Hey, can you show him to me?

So I least I get to judge you on your tastes in men.

I sure as hell won’t judge you for making a mistake I’ve made myself so many times ».

It sounded like a terrible idea, but at the same time, Bucky thought, maybe Steve would know what it feels like to see him with someone else.

Yeah, okay, that’s stupid. He’s straight and happy with his... girl...

And knowing him.. that punk’s gonna be all happy for me too...

Jeez. I’m gonna head home straight after and just... stay in bed until I die if he does something like that.

« Okay, sure why not », he nodded absently and drank his beer all at once, earning a howl from Shuri who grabbed her own drink and tried to empty it as fast as him.

They both burst in laughter and ended up with more beer on themselves than in their bellies, snorting beer and patting each other with napkins before getting up.

They managed to stop laughing when they went out of the room and arrived into the hall where Bucky spotted Steve who was alone and looked nervous for some reason.

Bucky looked around and was surprised to see Sam and Nat laughing together and standing quite close to each other.

His eyes went from them to Steve who looked at them with an unreadable expression on his face before nodding at them and heading to where Bucky was with Shuri.

« Okay, he’s coming over here.

I don’t know what’s with him, but put your hand around my waist okay?

I don’t wanna look alone and desperate », Bucky bit his own tongue, trying to suppress a shudder when Shuri did as he asked. He forced his body to relax under the unwanted touch and focused on breathing through his nose, relieved Shuri hadn't notice his discomfort. If she did, she didn't mention it ; she winked at him and giggled like a child as they went to meet Steve.

Steve seemed to be looking for someone, and his eyes set on Bucky with a relieved little smile that didn’t make Bucky’s stomach drop, no it didn’t.

It’s fine, Steve is with a girl, that bastard has broken your heart already, just be nice and smile and -

Steve grabbed him by the shoulder, a shy but huge smile on his face, his cheeks reddening in a way that made Bucky’s heart roar, and cry.

Bucky wanted to see that shade on him so badly for so many reasons but this one... because he surely was going to tell him he’s in love with Nat or whatever...

And Steve went to say something, when his eyes dropped on Shuri, and then somewhere between her and Bucky.

Steve’s face fell flat in a second and when he looked up, Bucky felt instinctively guilty as if he had slapped him in the face, or insulted him.

In a second, Steve didn’t even seemed sad anymore, but ... angry? And he let go of the hand he had put on him, as if the touch had burned him.

« I’m...

I'm going home.

I’ll see you around, Buck », and he smiled a smile Bucky knew all too well wasn’t a real one, and his sad blue eyes told him a secret he tried to hear but didn’t, and before he knew it Steve had left the party.

Bucky felt wounded, and felt the urge to sit on the nearest chair otherwise he would collapse.

He remembered where he was when Shuri helped him walk and go back to the bar, and thanked her, his voice breaking into a sob.

« Oh Bucky... what was that? », she asked softly but in a tone that didn’t expect an answer, and she ordered a bottle of water and handed it to him.

« I don’t know... I... one second he was happy with that girl of his, and the next... ».

A thought punched him in the brain.

He grabbed the water, drank as much as he could, before bolting upright, combing his hair frantically as his mind was running wild.

« I saw his girl with my other friend, acting... weird.

Do I need to intervene?»

Shuri was about to awswer, or rather ask what Bucky was meaning by 'intervene' exactly, but got speechless as Bucky spat "Okay I'm intervening, come on", and grabbed her by the hand, his hold gentle but surpringly strong, heading off the bar in long hurried strides.

Shuri let herself be carried away by Bucky's momentum and made sure he didn't stumble on his own feet, as she could see despite the dim lights that he wasn't walking straight at all.

Clearly Bucky's mind couldn't be changed, Shuri thought, and she coudn't blame him : she was almost as stubborn and spontaneous as him, even when she didn't even have a drop of alcohol on her system.

She decided to just watch out for him.

She had met the guy minutes ago but was already fond of his reckless personnality that matched hers, and she was worried, also, as she knew too well people like them often ended up hurt by others, when it wasn't by themselves.

Bucky's previously blurry mind was getting sharply back on focus, his brain full of adrenaline.

He was angry that anyone could have make Steve look that hurt, and resolved himself to tell Sam and Nat how inappropriate their behavior was.

He didn't even care that they'd be hurt.

Or that they might mock him, for he wasn't exactly a saint either.

But at least, if he were to have any principle, faithfulness would be it.

Despite all his flaws, he's always been a loyal friend too, but even that could have limits.

He was disappointed in Sam who he'd always looked up to in life, and figured maybe the events of the fields had twisted him too.

Maybe Bucky himself wasn't the only monster after all.

That thought didn't ease at all the pain he was feeling in his chest, in his head, his throat, bitterness spreading through him like poison.

He cared for Sam immensly but if it came to it, he knew in his heart he's stand up for Steve against him.

Just like he would against anyone ever, but that's another story...

Focus.

This isn't about you and Steve.

This is about him, as a person.

As a friend...

Bucky often blamed himself for being completely partial about Steve, but tonight it was the right thing to defend him. 

Shuri managed to close the distance between her and Bucky, who was on edge and way quicker than her, despite being more drunk.

She put her free hand before them and managed to stop Bucky in his tracks.

She heard him sigh and shivered for a second when she met her withering glare, but reminded herself she wasn't the one that anger was directed to.

Bucky's frown relaxed as he seemed to realize how scary he may look, and he dropped Shuri's hand, putting a falling strand of his hair behind his ear as he always did when he felt nervous or sorry but couldn't word it.

He looked up and this time his eyes were gentle.

"Sorry, I got carried away. I really need to calm down", he breathed, looking back to his feet, a hand before his mouth, his arms crossed and his shoulders slumped.

Shuri felt bad for him and waited for him to look at her again before hitting him lightly on his right shoulder.

« Dude, I understand.

But first of all, I don’t think this is a good idea that you go and confront them when you're that angry.

And I don't mean to sound heartless but you know, that’s his business to deal with, you might make it worse...

Besides he's broken your heart, right? So you shouldn't wrack your brain for him -»

Bucky stepped back, like he had been punched in the guts.

How was he supposed to not wrack his brain around Steve?

Even more, Steve's problems.

Steve's potential heartbreak problem...

Bucky tried to refrain the sinking feeling of relief that he and Nat might be over after tonight, but failed.

And hated himself even more for even having such thoughts.

He was being a shitty friend and felt ashamed.

Even if Steve was single to begin with, and hell, even, interested in guys, Bucky wouldn't deserve him.

But Steve being way out of his league didn't mean he deserved to be let down in such a difficult moment.

Bucky had to forget about his own selfish one-sided feelings for the guy and act as Steve needed : as a friend.

He planned on maybe calling Steve after he got words with Sam and Nat, but felt nervous about it and figured it couldn't end well with his current state.

Bucky realized Shuri was looking at him expectantly, clearly waiting for some kind of answer. Her dark eyes were soft but shining with curiosity, and Bucky hurried his brain to remember what she had just said.

The anger floated back on top of his mind in a second.

« Hey, hell no, Steve doesn’t even know he’s broken my heart », and his own words weighted weirdly in his gut.

« And even if he did... He’s still such a good guy, the best I know, and I’m not even saying that because I’m in love with him ».

Damn.

I've said it again.

I've said it like, five times tonight. 

To Sam, and now...

To someone I don't even know well...

I should be telling this to Steve.

I should go and get him and... see.

Even if it ends badly, at least I'd have tried.

And done something.

Yeah, I might as well tell him tonight.

I’m drunk, but I don’t care, and I could never tell him that sober anyway.

And being drunk doesn’t mean I’m not sincere... unfortunately...

« Shuri, I know you’re right that I probably shouldn't do anything...but he deserves it.

I mean... to be stood up for.

He doesn’t deserve to be treated that way, to be cheated on.

No one does, but him? I won’t allow it.

And I’m saying that as his best friend ».

Shuri, seeing she couldn’t argue with that, shrugged and sighed.

« Okay, but I’m watching over you.

You're looking for trouble, and in your current condition, you're lucky I'm with you.

I'm telling you : if things go south and we end up fighting people, you let me do the heavy lifting : I don't want any kind  
of stubborn ass pride from you.

You’re in no shape to defend yourself and I can kick ass like no other, you know », and she blinked at him.

Bucky smiled adorably and huffed a laugh, looking very much younger all of a sudden as he patted her shoulder and thanked her.

They kept walking and Bucky immediatly spotted Nat and Sam, trying to focus despite alcohol slowly filling his head with lead.

He launched himself forward when he reached them, splitting them carelessly as they were dancing together in a way that left no doubt about their intentions toward one another.

« Hey guys, what the hell? What about Steve? », he asked them straight away, looking as angry as he could manage in his current drunk, exhausted and broken hearted state.

Which wasn’t that threatening apparently.

Surprise left their faces in seconds and both of them laughed kindly at him, Sam asking « What do you mean, what about Steve »?

Nat straightened up with a frown, lounging around Bucky and putting herself before Sam defensively. She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the brunette, pointing her chin to an anxious and embarrassed Shuri.

« Hey what’s with you? Can’t we have fun like you do with, I don’t know who you are but nice to meet you », and her voice was authoritative, as she raised an eyebrow, looking between Bucky and Shuri like she expected an explanation.

Bucky’s anger worsen and Shuri felt him tense all over as he squared his shoulders and crushed her hand with his own.

She reached over to Nat, offering her hand to her, brushing Bucky’s shoulder with her own as if to tell him to back the fuck off, I can handle this, her glare told him.

Shuri flashed the readhead an apologetic smile, relived when the spy shook her hand. « I’m Shuri. And it’s nice to meet you too, still. We were having fun, yes, but not like anything you guys were up to », she laughed, and added, trying to cut the tension buzzing around them, « Bucky’s damn fine, I admit it, but I’m into chicks, just so we’re clear ».

Sam’s face had been stuck in a curious frown since he had seen Bucky with Shuri, and her revelation somehow relieved him. He couldn’t handle his friend missing his chance with Steve now that he knew how the both of them felt.

Nat’s face lightened up as well. She returned her smile to Shuri and looked back to Buck who still looked like he was about to break something.

« You haven’t answered my question, Nat », Bucky hissed, and this time Sam moved forward. « Hey chill, what’s going on with you? Weren’t you looking for Steve? Did the two of you talk? Did he tell you that him and-

« Sam, for fuck’s sake, shut up. You’re in no position to advise anyone. Look at yourself! Flirting with her! You hurt Steve, and he left, so no we didn’t talk, there’s nothing to talk about anyway », and Bucky’s withering glare fell on Nat with these last words.

Sam looked hurt and as confused as Nat, but she seemed to make the connection quicker, her mouth opening in a wordless « oh».

Uh, yeah, good time to remember your goddam boyfriend, Nat?!

And Sam, really? What the hell?

He now knew about who much Steve meant to him, had even pretended to share his own pain about unrequited love...

And yet, he was willing to hurt Bucky's favourite person in the world, out of his... his infatuation for Nat, whomed he'd met only yesterday!

What is wrong with them, seriously...

« Oh Bucky... ", the readhead strated, and her smile faded away.

Oh fuck, can people stop Oh Buckying me tonight?

Bucky rolled his eyes dramatically, but he felt his own anger come to a halt when he looked at Nat again.

She seemed really sorry and afraid, clearing her throat and fidgeting with the ring she was wearing on a chain around her neck.

Bucky frowned when he saw the bizarre mix of jewellery, for it looked like the kind of thing only widows would wear, but discarded the thought, and looked her back in the eyes.

Her stare didn't weaver but her voice came rough and broken.

« Steve and I... were never together », and her shiny green eyes almost looked wet with tears when she went quiet, still looking at him, waiting for him to process what felt like a heavy and shameful secret.

« What », was all Bucky could mutter, and this time he felt Shuri’s tightening hold on him wasn’t enough.

He fell to his knees.

How was it possible? What did that mean?

How come they weren't together? Everything they had done since last night felt like they were a thing, at least. The way they kept sharing knowing looks...

Now that he was thinking about it, he didn't see them kiss even once, and if they held hands maybe once or twice, it never lasted long and was done over the table.

They didn't... walk together hand by hand or whatever, even when they approached Sam and him in the coffee yesterday.

But the way Steve introduced her? It was, Bucky thought once more, quite ambiguous, and they didn't even have to say anything to make it look like they were together.

To make it look like...

But why?

Why would they pretend something like that?

Was Steve trying to... What was he trying to do? It makes no sense.

And...

"But you called him darling at some point yesterday".

Bucky regretted saying this the second he did. He sounded childish, ridiculously jealous.

He realized his friends were trying to haul him up, but he just stood there, his confusion paralyzing him further.

"I mean... I don't get it. You looked like you were... Really close".

Nat couldn't help but laugh shyly at that.

"Well we are, really close, but not in that way.

We never have been.

I'm sorry we mislead you, I... I didn't know that would affect you in any way.

I didn't know you'd care for him... like that.

I swear if I had known, I would have... stepped away?

I mean I don't know what's going inside of Steve's head, anyway, but I wouldn't get in your way, I promise"she said softly and felt bad to see Bucky hurting, as he seemed like a really good guy.

And he did, but not just because he had managed to make Steve, always so kind, honest, brave, righteous and ridiculously good, fall madly in love with him.

But also because she'd witnessed herself the kind of old and gentle soul that he was behing the rough and playful exterior, and despite not knowing him for long, she had to admit Steve was right when he said the guy was respected and loved by everyone.

How could he not be.

Nat's guilt was quickly washed away when she remembered this lie was for the best.

After all, Steve's feelings for Bucky were only his to tell.

Nat felt her heart tug loudly in her chest at the thought that her friend might be loved back just as strongly as he was loving, and she hoped she'd get to know that kind of utter happiness once more in her life.

Bucky was having a hard time processing this information, and the amount of alcohol hitting on his every atoms wasn't much helping.

He guessed it was time to try to get up though, and was thankful for Sam, Nat and Shuri to help him do so.

He felt even more grateful to notice the girls weren't making any comment about him only extending his right arm to be lifted up, as he wasn't ready for anyone to touch his left one.

Despite the awkward one arm maneuver, they managed to sit him on a chair, and Bucky’s mind felt blurry and his chest hurt when he spoke again.

« Steve is single? » he asked, his voice faint and childish, and when he looked up he saw in Sam and Nat’s eyes things he had never noticed before.

They seemed concerned, and excited, and something else.

They also seemed to know an awful lot more about this situation than Bucky himself did.

Sam and Nat looked at each other, and back to Bucky, they were weighting what to say and not, and finally just ended up nodding at him, helpless.

« I, I have to go. I feel... I’m sick », Bucky groaned, and grabbed the remaining water.

« I’ll get you a cab », Sam told him, a hand on his shoulder and his phone in the other, his head dropped to Bucky’s level. 

Bucky tried to nod but felt he would actually throw up if he moved his head even once again.

Nat followed Sam to the front door of the club, promising to return quickly.

Once they were alone again, Shuri sat next to Bucky, cleared her throat and gestured for him to drink some more water.

« Okay, take something for your incoming headache and shower as soon as you arrive.

Rest and sleep on it. Steve looked jealous more than anything if you want my opinion », and she held her hands up innocently when Bucky looked up at her with huge eyes.

« Hey, he did. He looked right at me and my hands around you, dude.

I didn’t even get to say anything, and so did you, for the record, before he got pissed. It’s really suspect, is all I’m saying ».

Bucky was still looking at her and seemed to be processing, and getting even sicker as he did so.

He looked over to where Sam was having a very animated conversation with the taxi he was ordering, or so he said. His eyes kept darting between him and Shuri, and he had a hand over his mouth, doing a poor job of hiding his smile.

Bucky figured Sam was probably still high from getting close to Nat, as it seemed the interest was clearly mutual.

He would have taken an immense pleasure in teasing his friend for the next hour if he wasn’t himself so sick, both by alcohol and by the twisting worry building inside him as he thought how down Steve had looked before he left.

He focused back on Shuri and searched for his words. He felt tired to the bones.

« I don’t... I didn’t even... are you sure? » he asked Shuri and saw Nat and Sam coming back. Bucky’s worry made his features childish, his lips pouting as his huge eyes were met with three unsure stares.

He was so confused and pissed off.

But Shuri was right.

Tonight was way too fucked up to try to understand it.

Shuri went on, « I’m positive yeah, but I don’t know you guys enough yet so, I don’t know. Once you’ve had your own weight of paracetamol tomorrow, maybe call Steve to have coffee or something? »

Bucky smiled sincerely.

« Yeah. I’ll do all of that. I’Il be reasonable for once.

Thanks, Shuri. You’re really kind”.

Shuri patted him lightly on his left shoulder, and she felt him stiffen under the touch so she quickly withdrew her hand.

Bucky’s eyes wordlessly apologized to her and he surprised himself when saying “we should keep in touch.

If you want”, and really waited for her answer, finding out he was even nervous about it.

“I would like that”, she smiled kindly, “and I want a full report on whatever happens with Mr Perfect”, which earned her another heartfelt laugh from the brunette.

Bucky frowned and sighed “if only something happens... you’ll be the first to know”, and took a last swig of his water.

After considering he had enough strength to head home on his own, he parted with Sam and Nat, thanking them for the cab, and exchanged numbers with Shuri before closing its door.

Sam and Nat watched him leave and looked at each other, both concerned and excited for their two friends.

__________________

Steve arrived at Bucky and Sam’s place.

He felt slightly uncomfortable being there in their absence, and didn’t quite know what to do.

He smiled thinking back about Sam, who had made his night better in an instant.

Back at the club, Steve had stumbled upon Bucky with that beautiful girl, and the two fo them had seemed so close and... happy...

He had felt like a punch in the face when he saw Bucky had let her wrap her arm around his waist, Buck who was always so self conscious and didn't like that much being touched, even more since his accident...

At that sight his joy had evaporated, gone with the breathe he had let out, his voice also leaving him.

Past the pain, he remembered to be polite and to excuse himself, so he had looked up, an excuse on his lips, and he hadn't expected the stunned and sad look he found in Bucky's eyes when he faced him again, his doll-like beauty frozen in a plea Steve didn't know was about.

As much as he had wanted to stay close to Bucky, his own heartbreak felt too loud in his chest, so he had simply put on a fake smile and hurried toward the exit - breathe, Steve, go outside, get some fresh air, don't punch anyone, or anything, for that matters, he had told himself as he left, without ever looking back, fist clutched and his eyes burning.

He had then decided to go to Sam and Buck's place on foot, to calm himself, and called Sam once he got there, ranting to his friend for what must have felt like an eternity.

Poor Sam sounded sympathetic but also quite excited, no matter how hard he tried to hide it from Steve, so he quickly apologized and promised to leave him alone, wishing him a good night.

Sam had sighed and remained silent for a while, but when he spoke again Steve could tell he was smiling.

The older soldier had sounded evasive but told him the girl Bucky was hanging with was actually gay, and Steve had laughed nervously for five whole minutes until Sam cut him, slightly afraid « Okay Steve take care, I’m gonna hang up now, byyye ».

Steve was still feeling happier than a kid on Christmas and was smiling so much his cheeks felt sore.

He had been standing in the hallway of the flat for at least fifteen minutes, smiling dumbly, his whole body buzzing with joy.

He thought about how Sam and Nat would be teasing him to death right now if they saw him, as he surely must look completely lovestruck. But after tonight, he really didn’t care.

His feet led him to the living room where he paced nervously. His friends didn’t own much but the place felt warm and like home.

His eyes spotted their younger selves, grinning madly, in their uniforms, arms around one another. The four of them.

Steve’s chest hurt when he looked at Riley’s goofy, laughing face, and even more when he saw Sam, whose smile had never looked that true ever since.

He hadn’t realized he was holding the framed picture until he felt his hold on it tightening, and his eyes stopped on Buck’s laid off posture and cocky grin.

Steve’s fingers traced absently his image, the dull ache of lost innocence making the frame feel too heavy suddenly, and he put it back, hand shaking.

His mouth felt dry and he went to pour himself a glass of water. His head was throbbing with alcohol and his heart started thumping like crazy at the idea that Bucky was going to come here at some point.

He splashed some water on his face but that didn’t calm his nerves.

He decided to take a shower to try to sober up a bit more, and figured none of his friends wouldn’t mind him using their bathroom.

A rush of heat and anticipation hit him as he moved past Bucky’s bedroom, and he let go of all his clothes on the floor of this room, before heading to the bathroom.

He closed the door but didn’t lock it, a lazy grin on his lips.

Bucky hadn’t really made out with anyone, in the end. Maybe he didn’t want to. 

His friend’s eyes had met his all evening, now that he thought about it. Like Bucky was asking him something. 

Maybe...

But maybe nothing had changed and Steve was only telling himself what he wanted to hear. Besides he was beyond drunk during the party, even though the fog in his head was slowly starting to clear up by now.

He didn’t know what to think. He was slightly afraid to have read it all wrong, to have Bucky barge in and laugh at him or be mad at him for making a mess and a show of himself.

He fought off his concern, as he could only do when he had drank, and reassured himself with the fact that he could still argue that he had acted strangely because of alcohol. Surely that would be enough for Bucky to forget about it all.

Anyway, things were still too blurry for him to worry about it too much.

Steve enjoyed the splash of hot water running along his shivering body, and soon found himself loosing track of time, lost in thoughts of Bucky.

Seeing him again, sitting close to him in their usual diner, his smile still as blinding as always after all this time.

His heart squeezed when he saw again the pained expression on Bucky when he told him he was leaving.

He really seemed upset... like he didn’t want Steve to go... he let him do it anyway but what if...

What if he felt the same.. what if he was jealous as much as Bucky made him tonight, with that girl...

Anger found its way back to his chest but turned into something else as he felt himself grow hard, thinking of how extremely sexy Bucky was looking tonight.

Bastard had put a suit on. And a bow tie... only him could look so devastatingly hot in such an old fashioned outfit. 

Steve stopped caring anything else but how hot he had felt when Bucky had approached him tonight, calling him Stevie, standing so close to him... he began stroking his hard cock, moaning as he imagined the things Bucky could do to him with these lips...

He started to sweat but kept the hot water pouring, closing his eyes tighter as the tip of his cock went slick under his fingers.

He heard a faint noise coming from the hallway and wondered if Bucky had come back home.

Steve surprised himself as he didn’t let go of his growing erection, the idea to be caught by Bucky turning him on violently.

He went on stroking himself, his cock throbbing hard at the thought of Bucky stuck in his head, his ears tingling as he heard more noise from outside the room, pleasure coming off him from his toes when the doorknob was turned. 

By Bucky.

Steve didn’t even need to turn around to know it was him. Of course he didn’t. He would recognize his steps among any other.

Bucky was humming, certainly to the music playing in his headphones, and Steve couldn’t help but stroke himself quicker and stronger to the sound of his voice.

Buck apparently had felt the same need to wash away the night. Steve was wondering how much clothes he had left on, and felt he could come in minutes if he wasn’t being interrupted.

Or if Bucky came along and helped... No, he couldn’t think that, otherwise he’d come right away, he thoughts, lightly panicked, and let go of a few hard breathes he couldn’t control.

______________

Bucky had his headphones on when he stumbled into his appartement.

He was kind of proud that he managed to open the door on the first try, given how upset he was and how much booze he had had.

His thoughts were sluggerish as he took off his suit jacket, dropping it on the sofa, and without hesitating walked out of his shoes and suit pants, heading for the bathroom.

He kept his briefs and shirt on and started unbuttoning it as he walked across the living room.

He was too lazy to unknot his bow tie.

He’d wash himself best he could and would ask Sam to help him with that stuff in the morning, he thought carelessly. 

He hummed absently to the music in his ears, still sad over the events of the night and missing Steve painfully, but relieved to be home at least.

He didn’t bother to turn any light on as he could easily see in the dark, but frowned when he approached the bathroom door.

Shit, I’ve forgotten to turn off the lights. Again. Sam’d better not know this.

He pushed the bathroom door open, eyes on his phone, looking at Steve’s last message.

Yeah, Sam doesn’t need-

His body did a full stop, and his mind went blank for a second as he looked up.

What -

He was met with the steamiest vision he’d ever had and wondered how much alcohol was required to get hallucinations, like he was apparently having right now.

He immediately recognized this perfect ass he’d been staring at for ages, and looked up to study the lines of the sexiest back he’d ever seen, a back he’d shamefully learned all the curves of through the years, and blinked.

Hard.

What kind of hot and crazy dream was that.

Was Steve, so shy and pure... was he touching himself?

He took off his headphones and almost dropped them on the floor when his question was answered by a low moan erupting from the blond’s throat, that made him instantly hard and reflexively put a hand on his aching cock.

If Steve freaking Rogers was already a heavenly sight with clothes on, seeing him naked, wet and even... even...

Doing that...

Steve had his eyes shut and his jaw tight, his breath coming short and hard as he went on stroking himself, completely oblivious to Bucky’s presence.

Bucky knew he was supposed to move but was caught up in his staring of Steve and felt trapped in his own excitement, squeezing his own legs shut to contain is arousal as he tried to convince his body to get out of there before it was too late.

Steve muttered a breathless cry, barely muffled by his other hand, and Bucky bit his tongue and did drop both his headphones and his phone, heat pooling between his legs at the sound of that and reality hitting him all at once.

The second after he felt all the blood of his body, that had instinctively rushed to his best parts, go back to his already aching head -

“ Ooooh my god, he’s really there”, he heard himself say, staggering backwards in a hurry - 

Steve jumped to the sound of that and turned to him, eyes widening and his own hand still around his clearly hard cock, and grabbed the towel hung on the wall in panic.

“B-Buck”! Steve called, his voice strangled this time, and almost slipped into the bathtub as he got out of it and stared at Bucky.

Bucky who had turned from dark red to an alarming white in an instant, backpedalled awkwardly, mouth agape, hit his back on the doorknob and ran off the room.

_________________

Steve didn’t even have time to feel self conscious.

Seeing Bucky made his mind run wild and his heart pounding.

He needed to talk to him, to look at him, to listen to his voice.

He needed Bucky to talk to him too, to tell him something, anything, even just to be mad at him.

Oh. He had been mad at Bucky earlier, and regretted it once again.

He had hurt Bucky.

But had hurt too, seeing him with someone else.

He knew he had no right to feel that way, but he did.

Bucky had to know.

He had to know Nat and him were just friends...

Steve’s brain was running a thousand miles a second, and he gathered his courage as he stumbled out of the bathtub and put the towel hastily around his waist. 

He tried not to collapse as he washed his hands, unable to look at his own reflection, and quickly drying them before leaving the room and look for Bucky.

Steve stopped in his tracks when he reached the entrance of the living room, breathless for too many reasons at once. 

He shook his head and forced himself to sober up quicker than his body was allowing him to.

He didn’t want to do anything stupid, especially while they were drunk.

Right now he just wanted to have a proper talk with Bucky.

Bucky who was currently looking anywhere but at him and like he wanted to hide under the carpet.

______________________

Bucky felt like a teenager again, to have ran off like that, like it was just one of the thousands of pranks he’s played over his life.

But it wasn’t. It might be the most serious moment of his life.

Or maybe even one of the worst ones.

He had no idea what was going to happen, and he didn’t like to think about how bad things could go from here.

Steve. Steve was here.

How was he here?

He crossed his arms around his chest and bit the inside of his cheeks, tremor howling in his head as he saw Steve appearing and coming to a halt about one meter away from him.

Bucky had disappeared so quickly he hadn’t thought about turning a light on, and Steve didn’t dare move as they took each other in, the light of the bathroom casting faintly behind Steve.

Bucky put a hand before his mouth and bit at it, looking at his feet, Steve’s ragged breath the only sound around them.

Bucky finally lifted his head and saw that the blond’s eyes were already on him.

« Hi », Bucky said, and he cursed himself immediately for sounding so damn stupid.

He rolled his eyes unconsciously and only realized he had when he heard Steve laugh kindly.

« Bucky, I’m so sorry I barged in, I didn’t mean to bother you, Sam let me his keys, I-» he began, but Bucky held up the hand he had put on his mouth, searching for the right words.

« It’s okay really, you’re welcome here, I’m sorry to have barge into the bathroom... I didn’t know you were here ».

He felt his face burn when the image of Steve’s hot and wet body popped up in his mind and was suddenly thankful their were wrapped in darkness.

But as if on cue, Steve turned the lamp on and Bucky instinctively put himself behind the sofa, trying to hide as best as he could how obviously hard he still was.

Bucky's eyes went wide and his breath was ripped out of his lungs as his field vision was assaulted with Steve's massive and muscled torso, his skin looking soft and drops of water running along it as he had left the shower in a rush.

The shower... Bucky's briefs were feeling painfully thight again and he digged his nails into the sofa, trying to focus on Steve's apology and forcing his brain to find something to come up with that wouldn't betray his arousal.

This is so awkward.

And he’s so hot.

How am I supposed to stop feeling that way when he’s standing like this...

All... naked and... wet...

Bucky cleared his throat and frowned, trying to sound calm as he spoke, but his voice came out rough and breathless.

«Uh... let me get your some clothes, you’re gonna catch a cold », and he regretted looking up as he saw Steve giving him that smile, that familiar, loving and warm smile that made him feel precious.

He then remembered Steve was in the way of his bedroom and approached him in a rush, hoping Steve wouldn’t notice his condition -

Steve gently put a hand on his right shoulder and squeezed lightly, asking him to stay close.

Bucky swallowed and did so, unable to resist the attraction he felt toward him in any given situation.

Even the weirdest, like this one.

« Buck, I’m sorry I got mad. I was... »

Steve fell silent, and Bucky looked at him, curious and concerned all at once.

Bucky felt nervous, and excited, standing so close to Steve, and his erection got worse as he breathed his own soap on him.

« I was jealous of that girl ».

Steve was looking down and his face was serious, but no longer sad. Rather... resolved, and he looked up straight into Bucky’s eyes, the brunette’s heart leaping when striking blue shot him in the face.

That’s when Steve’s word echoed in his ears and he felt dizzy, not quite sure Steve had really spoken or if he was dreaming.

This whole part of the night felt like a dream. Yet the touch of Steve on his shoulder felt so real...

« You what? »

Bucky’s mind went blank once again, as he suddenly understood what Steve said.

____________________

Steve was jealous?

And not of him, no... of her.

He was jealous?

Which means, he...

No, no way.

He never said or did anything that would...

But then memories hit him in a flash, and Bucky was back in college, in the lockers room.

When Steve’s eyes had remained on him longer than usual and he had brushed it off as a trick of his imagination.

Even when Steve had gotten closer and his eyes had fallen on his lips, before they got interrupted by the rest of the team coming in...

Interrupted.

They had been, and so many other times, now that Bucky thought about it.

Maybe his imagination never played tricks on him.

But then..

All these times...

Bucky felt dizzier than any other time he had drunk that much, and he shook his right hand nervously, as it was sweating now.

He knew he wasn’t going to faint out of alcohol, but because Steve Rogers was messing with his heart again.

Except this time...

Except this time maybe he wasn’t messing around, and had never been actually.

Bucky took a step back as realization crushed him, and he clutched his chest without thinking, a strained expression on his face.

He felt scared, scared to have missed all this time, scared to have the truth before him, and to fail to reach it once again.

He was afraid Steve wasn’t really meaning that, or that anyway he’d let him go at some point, because he wasn’t... he wasn’t entirely himself anymore... he was broken now...

He looked up at Steve who approached him carefully, his eyes shining and his brows lifted lightly in a silent questioning.

Can I ?

His eyes were asking, his hands were trying to refrain themselves from touching Bucky, but Bucky could almost feel them on him already, and leaned into Steve's space slowly.

Bucky knew he must be looking mad right now, but the only heat he was feeling was that of the burning want Steve always managed to create inside of him, even without saying or doing anything.

The idea that he was to have more, to have anything, maybe, finally, tonight, made him want to scream or hide, it was too much to handle, but he had to.

Steve was worth it.

He was worth everything.

There were now standing only inches apart.

_______________________________

Steve felt like he was gonna lose it.

Despite the living room light being turned off, Bucky was mostly visible, and what a sight already.

Steve squinted his eyes and noticed Bucky had taken off his pants.

He had also dropped the jacket of his suit and kept only his shirt and bowtie.

Steve wanted to get his hands on him and help him get rid of it all, and tried his best to forget about how hard he was getting once again, Bucky standing half naked and to arm's reach.

When Steve turned on the light, he found himself biting his own lips, hard, his own body shutting up a desperate whimper of lust.

When Bucky spoke, his voice sounded lower than usual and Steve had clentched his towel hard, trying to distract his mind from the idea that Bucky was clearly flustered by what he had seen him doing in the shower.

Heat washed over him as his eyes drank the details of Bucky light gave him access to, his tongue sticking out and licking his lips.

Bucky's eyes had dropped to his mouth and his cheeks had gone slightly red, his own red lips twichting, and he had put his hair behind his ear with his right hand, the gesture familiar to Steve, moving and enticing at the same time. 

Bucky’s left fist was almost piercing through the fabric of the worn out sofa.

Steve couldn't breathe properly, and even less speak, with how sexy embarassment made Bucky look.

The soldier knew drinking as much as they did was a terrible idea, especially since he wasn’t himself used to do so. 

He also knew that tonight... he wouldn’t run from what Bucky meant to him.

He didn't want to be reasonable like every other time he had been, cowardly brushing off his desire instead of just act, once and for all, about it.

The idea to do so, to act tonight, finally, scared him as much as it made his heart leap with joy, his blood thumping loudly inside his head.

Bucky was looking at him with an angry expression, his blue grey eyes more silvery than usual in the dim lights, his thick brows furrowed heavily in a deep contrast with the softness of his mouth.

His hair were falling in his face just like Steve loved it, hovering around his perfectly cut jaw in an almost feminine, angelic grace.

His shirt was fully open and its fabric was hanging loosely around his naked torso.

Steve could see the beautiful curve of his hips, the defined muscles of his chest, even Bucky’s right nipple, Steve thought, swallowing, that was visible and hard just like everything between them was.

He kept looking up and his eyes landed on where metal straps were hugging the left part of his upper body, starting under his heart, and that’s when he heard the other man gasp. He looked up to find Bucky’s eyes, burning into his.

Bucky was so lost in Steve, again, always, he had forgotten the metal part of his body was in plain sigh ; he felt exposed, and tensed all over.

But he didn’t move, didn’t try to cover it. He was facing his fears all at once tonight, because it was Steve.

Bucky looked shy and questioning and Steve felt the urge to wipe all his doubts away for ever.

He reached out, the space between them too short and too great all at once. He cupped the brunette's face with both hands, his throat tightenning as he felt Bucky, Bucky right here, at the end of his fingertips, his skin soft and hot, his blood running at a mad rythm under his touch.

He just looked at him in that instant, silver melting with blue, like sky into the sea.

Bucky remained quiet and just lifted his right hand, placing it on Steve’s.

Their breaths mingled in silence, the heat of their shared space burning their eyes, as Steve took Bucky’s left hand and curled his fingers into metallic ones.

Bucky looked over their laced hands, and up, their silence suddenly deafening with unspoken desire.

Steve felt Bucky’s metal fingers squeeze his own, and smiled, his throat still heavy with emotion but, a good one, at last.

Bucky let go of Steve's fingers and of his hand on his own face, but before Steve could protest, stepped forward and closed the distance between them, grabbing Steve's neck and crushing his lips with his in a hungry kiss.

______________

Steve stumbled backward, heart hammering and his head turning slightly as the reality of what was happening, what was really happening, now, hit him and theatened to knock him down.

He was hold still by strong arms and leaned into Bucky's touch, every inch of his skin shivering with the need to meet his.

Steve stroke Bucky's jaw with one hand, the other curling around his lower back, just shy of his ass, and he felt the brunette laugh into his mouth.

Bucky's own hands went from Steve's neck to his shoulderblades, and soon to his waist, and they both broke the kiss as they panted, not daring to press their whole bodies together even though they were both dying to do so.

Bucky looked into Steve eyes and smiled, looking more happy than Steve had seen in him...

Ever, actually.

That thought made him want Buck to never stop smiling, and to be close to him like this, every day for the rest of their lives.

He felt a rush of want cursing through his veins and kissed Bucky again, failing to repress a moan as he felt Bucky's hardness on his own. 

Bucky was pinning him soflty against the back of the couch now, his fingers warming his wet skin.

Steve felt the urge to make Bucky sound desperate against him.

He opened his mouth and sucked Bucky's tongue with his own, and shuddered to the sound the brunette let out.

Bucky broke the kiss again, panting.

He didn't want to stop kissing Steve ever, but knew this was going all too quickly and didn't want him to think he was almost fucking him on his sofa because of the alcohol he had had.

He also needed to be sure it was the same for Steve.

He couldn't tell and even if he would do anything to go on with whatever they were about to do, he considered being sure Steve wanted him really, not just tonight, not just in the heat of the moment, was worth the wait, no matter how aching.

He had waited so many years, he could as well wait at least another day.

"Stevie, uh, I'm... I think we shouldn't uh..."

Steve chuckled fondly and planted a kiss on his cheek, sounding as breathless as Bucky when he spoke.

"Yeah, we should uh, we should just sleep tonight. Separately, I mean", he laughed when Bucky eyed him with a wicked grin plastered on his flushed face.

"Of course. You can take my bed, I'll have the sofa", and Steve was about to protest but Bucky cut him, putting a finger on the blond's lips who reddened even more. "You're my guest. Please?", and Steve couldn't win against these gorgeous puppy eyes, so he nodded, smiling to his ears as he did so.


End file.
